So after 29 league games unbeaten, United finally lost… against Wolverhampton bloody Wanderers. Rubbish. So the media have once again awarded the Premier League title to Arsenal or Chelsea and have declared that it will be many years until we win the league again as our ageing stars and manger cannot be replaced with the buttons we have left in the coffers.
As United fans we don’t feel like that. We still believe we can win the record breaking 19th title this season, and we also know that we are supporting the BEST club in the WORLD. So just to accentuate that thought, let’s have a look at what it might be like to support any of our Premier League rivals…
ARSENAL – Quite apart from the fact that you wouldn’t have had much to celebrate over the last five years, those Gooners must shake their funny shaped heads in dismay as Arsene stays away from the transfer market. Instead of buying normal players, he seeks out “rough diamonds” fresh from their mother’s breasts and prefers to shape them into Premier League winners. Well, a team that looks like they could win the Premier League until it gets really cold, and then they fall apart like a bookshelf from Ikea.
MAN CITY – Where to start? Nothing in the trophy cabinet for nearly 35 years. 21 years of casting jealous glances at United fans celebrating success after success. More recently though it has been worse than that. City fans have had to drive from Stockport knowing that all they have to look forward to is cheering on such hateful bastards as De Jong, Lescott, anything called Toure and the half-man, half-money-grabbing kettlenecked whore. Then, whenever they come up against a team higher than tenth in the league, they have to adopt a siege mentality and line up in the newly monikered “Mancini la coward” formation of 9-0-1.
CHELSEA – In the days before the Village Idiot put some of his roubles into Chelsea, I didn’t dislike them that much. I admired the fact that they let their fans park round the pitch – not so far for those poor old pensioners to walk to their seats. I also enjoyed the terrible kits they wore, particularly the turquoise affairs of the late 80s. Then I realised how much I hated them as they recruited such despicable individuals as Tiny Tears and Cashley Hole. When you add in the most overrated midfielder of recent times and his unrealistically fat posterior, as well as their goalie who cycles to games and keeps his protective headgear on during games, it is easy to let your hatred grow. I will never forget Drogba’s limp wristed slap aimed at Vidic in Moscow. Had he managed to stop himself from behaving like a 9-year-old girl, Tiny Tears would never have had to step up and miss his penalty. Karma.
TOTTENHAM – Greatest team of the 60s, first English team to win the league and cup double; remember Gary Lineker? Blah blah blah. No measurable achievements in a very long time, except for qualifying for the Champions League. When you take away the cash injection that this provides, it is a sad way for supporters to claim something to celebrate. Spurs fans can look back with joy on 2009-10 when they finally realised their dreams and finished……fourth. Crap.
LIVERPOOL – Ignoring all the jibes about their supporters being bin-dipping hubcap thieves who enjoy nothing more than walking past the job centre and straight to the post office, there are two things that annoy me more than anything else. The first is the perceived idea that Liverpool fans are “proper footballs fans” – some sections of the media even call them the most knowledgeable., almost as if they have some kind of higher level of understanding of the game. I have four words that completely disproves this theory – ‘In Rafa we trust’. The second thing is their standard reply to any passionate debate about football – “Five European Cups, mate”. Ignoring their 2005 triumph when the Milanese pensioners were just too tired for the second half, their other four victories were won by passing the ball back to the goalkeeper with a metronomic regularity – thereby boring the opposition into submission.
SUNDERLAND – Apart from supporting a club on the border of the Arctic circle, it wouldn’t be THAT bad as a Sunderland fan. Until you get to their nickname – The Black Cats. What a load of shit.
BOLTON – A club that has started to play better football under the increasingly impressive Owen Coyle. They have a relatively new, if horribly ugly, stadium. Not too bad you might think. But who is their “celebrity” fan? – Vernon Kay. That long, lanky streak of piss off Family Fortunes. All teeth and text messages, very little talent.
STOKE CITY – Wouldn’t it be great to support the Potters? Sat in that fervent and passionate crowd as your team of cast-offs and rejects punch above their weight. Imagine their glee as they spend another season in the Premier League. Then imagine sitting there every other week watching a curious mixture of American football and rugby as a team of strapping lads force themselves up by the pitch just so they can get their ‘quarterback’ in position to launch one of his freakish throw-ins. The pure excitement, punctuated by the towel holding ball boy preparing the weapon for Delap, as he waddles towards his mark. Actually, not that exciting after all.
NEWCASTLE UNITED – A club lucky enough to have the self-proclaimed “best supporters in the world”. Quite how they came to crown themselves with this title is open to question; I can only assume it is down to the ridiculously fat gentlemen that show their love for the barcodes by standing topless at each home game. If this is what qualifies for great support, then they are welcome to it. The best thing about Newcastle is their genius chairman, Mike Ashley. Almost as much of a limelight-seeking walrus as Michael Knighton, he decided to buy himself a football club for no particular reason at all. He then sat in his office at St James Park and made the kind of decisions that Sepp Blatter would be proud of. Although he did reverse roles on the Scousers recently by selling them a ridiculously overpriced piece of crap that was broken when they bought it.
BLACKBURN ROVERS – Crap stadium, rubbish kit, hardly any fans and paying money to Benjani under the pretence that he is a footballer. The only good thing they have done in many years is sending the horrific El Hadji Diouf to Rangers so that the Celtic fans have even more reason to apply some violence to him. Now being run by the owners of a company that “manufactures nutritional health products for humans” whose chairman introduced herself to the British media by saying “I don’t know a thing about football”. A bit like Mike Ashley then.
FULHAM – Rubbish. Just a rubbish club in a ridiculous stadium with no more ambition than to try really hard against United once a season and then allow themselves to lose at home against teams like Wigan. They should voluntarily relegate themselves to League One with immediate effect.
EVERTON – See Liverpool – but without the trophies.
ASTON VILLA – The original claimants to the “we are a sleeping giant” tag. They are more a sleepy giant that accidentally took too much Ketamine and is forever in a state of transient slumber. It could have all been so different if Randy Lerner hadn’t entrusted Martin O’Neill with all of his spare cash. The tenacious chap then spent huge amounts of money on overpriced players just so he could play them out of position, or in the case of Steve Sidwell – not at all. So out goes O’Neill and in comes Houllier, thereby guaranteeing themselves another season of midtable mediocrity.
BLACKPOOL – Their only redeeming factor is the hilarious and clearly mental Ian Holloway. The best way to describe the town is to use a quote from the man himself, “I love Blackpool, we’re very similar. We both look better in the dark”.
BIRMINGHAM – A difficult place to go apparently. Teams don’t look forward to going to St Andews. I am not surprised, it’s a shithole. Boring team with some horrendous individuals like Lee Bowyer and Barry Ferguson, they have used the money from Carson Yeung very shrewdly, buying players of the ilk of Zigic, a striker so tall that he has his own weather system. Sadly he also has a first touch so heavy that when he controls a ball it quite often ends up in the Holte End… at Villa Park… 2.4 miles away.
WEST BROM – The Hawthorns is the highest stadium of all 92 English league clubs. They also have a charming chant that goes “Boing Boing”. It must be something to do with the thin air affecting their ability to process information. Like their chant, the Baggies go boinging backwards and forwards between the Championship and Premier League, but their happy, remedial fans don’t seem to care either way.
WIGAN – On top of everything else that they have to contend with, their chairman decides to name the stadium after himself. Then again, if DW hadn’t ploughed all the money he fleeced from fans during his price fixing days into the club, then they would surely be looking forward to a fixture against the Red Lion Reserves in the Lancashire Sunday League Division 5. Awful club.
WOLVES – How can you explain a team that can beat United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Man City, yet still occupy 19th place in the table? Actually who cares? Kevin “Rod Stewart” Doyle can reflect on the day his goal beat United on the team coach next season as they head for a league game against Scunthorpe.
WEST HAM – I have actually been to watch the happy Hammers, in the days when Fat Arse was running their midfield. What a vile and hate-filled group of supporters they have. Their current plight is made all the more enjoyable as the nasty peddlers of butt plugs and anal lube had returned to their “boyhood club” and made the appointment of Baron Greenback-lookalike Average Grant . Hopefully the blindingly useless Grant will deliver Gold and Sullivan to the promised land of the Championship and then Karen Brady will bugger off out of it as well.
So there you are. Clearly Manchester United are the greatest football team.