A Week in Football

A Week in Football

Sunday, eh readers? Phwoar. To misquote Alan Partridge, “‘Sunday, Bloody Sunday’. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn’t it? You wake up in the morning, you’ve got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and then Ollie Holt shows up in an Alice band. On TV. At breakfast time. And you’re left thinking, ‘Sunday, bloody Sunday’.”

Yes, the big news of the week was of course Mirror hack Oliver Holt appearing on Sky’s Sunday Supplement wearing an Alice band – a piece of head furniture made famous by Leytonstone underpants model David Beckham. Criticised as a bizarre decision or a midlife crisis in some quarters, this column fully applauds the effort he went to to bring slightly more order to the rats nest balancing atop his bonce, while at the same time delaying the inevitable £8 outlay for a haircut by another week. Bravo, Ollie. Bravo.

In less significant news, there was a bit of football on the weekend. Manchester United teased Aston Villa like a Babestation model does an insomniac adolescent, before overcoming them 3-2, while Arsenal again showed their confidence is lower than a heavy smoker’s sperm count by surrendering a 2-0 lead at home to Fulham. Elsewhere West Brom continued their quiet progress up the table, and Everton, inspired by the performance of partially mobile hair-do Marouane Fellaini – who bagged a goal and an assist – beat an insipid Sunderland to go fourth.

On Sunday, Tottenham’s tactically-savvy boy scout Andre Villas-Boas somehow managed to lose a battle of wits to Manchester City’s Roberto Mancini, which is akin to losing a game of Scrabble to a particularly retarded family pet. City orc Carlos Tevez made the headlines on Sunday for different reasons, using his column in The Sunday Sun to attack Gary Neville for having the audacity to finance the building of a hotel in his spare time. The column claims to be written in Tev’s own words, but presumably they managed to find one of J.R.R Tolkien’s descendants to translate it from the lost language of the Uruk-hai.

And finally, in the battle of Britain’s most popular clubs, plucky little Liverpool held Chelsea to a commendable 1-1 draw at Stamford Bridge. There was one moment worth laughing at again (not John Terry’s injury, AWIF would never go there). When Uruguayan cannibal Luis Suarez scored his side’s all important equaliser, he scrambled quickly to the corner flag and celebrated with the crowd, teeth aloft, before turning round to feel the warm embrace of his teammates. Oh.

A Week In Football’s Patrick is away and will return!


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RetroUnited.com is the number one website for Manchester United news, statistics and memorabilia. Run by former players of the club, regular exclusive opinion is featured on the website.

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