A Week In Football : Can Kenny Take Them Down?

A Week In Football : Can Kenny Take Them Down?

In 1990, McDonald’s opened their first restaurant in Russia – presumably serving McTurnip burgers, the prisoners got on the roof at Strangeways prison and stayed there for more than three weeks, East and West Germany united, and George Bush gave the command to send the troops into Kuwait.

The average house cost £72,290 and a GALLON of petrol cost about the same as a Litre does now. Mobile phones were the size of shoeboxes, there was no porn on the Internet, and SKY TV had not officially invented football. This was also the year that Liverpool last won the league title, or as it was then the first division. They had one Kenneth Dalglish at the helm, and seemingly nothing could stop them ploughing through the 90s in the same way that they had dominated the 80s. Except then Kenneth went a bit mad and decided he couldn’t cope with the pressure of his team winning most weeks and walked away from the council house to become a furniture loving recluse. In 1992, the back pass was outlawed, allegedly because the World Cup in 1990 was rubbish and boring, but really the dark lord Dalglish had persuaded FIFA to outlaw it as he aimed his Jack Walker-funded Blackburn at the title. He realised that the Liverpool team would be bereft of ideas if they couldn’t repeatedly pass back to the keeper, and their tactics of boring the opposing team to death before scoring a goal would be negated. Kenny did win Blackburn the title in 1995, albeit by default as Eric Cantona was ridiculously banned from playing after accidentally tripping and falling awkwardly on a spectator at Crystal Palace.

Fast forward 20 years and those deluded half-wits, inbreds, and hubcap thieves on Merseyside think that “King” Kenny is going to take them back to the promised land (the dole queue). First and foremost, he abandoned them saying that he was under too much pressure – then popped up eight months later at Blackburn. A bit like Sir Alex leaving United now and then resurfacing at Burnley in September. Yet that didn’t matter, this was “King” Kenny; he is a Scouse hero. Aside from that he hasn’t managed a team in over 10 years and quite possibly hasn’t watched a game of any real quality in all of that time. He is also three matches in and only has a draw to his name. Today, Steven Legohead Gerrard made a statement on the matter. Sadly no one had any idea what he said as they haven’t located Carragher to translate it. We think it might have been displaying some kind of hope that Ken stays for ten years, but this is as yet unconfirmed. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if United went on to claim the record breaking 19th title, thus knocking Liverpool off their perch as Kenny and Legohead slid pathetically into the Championship, their players unable to understand Kenny’s deranged Glaswegian ramblings.

In other news, Citeh got themselves another striker. Clearly they needed another average forward to accompany half-man, half-mythical beast Tevez, Adebayor, Balotelli, Jo, Bellamy, Santa Cruz, Weiss, and Caicedo. All they need now is another five defensive midfielders and surely Mancini will proclaim that they are the best team on the planet (again). It would seem that Mr Cook had scripted Dzeko’s first words as a Citeh player. Edin guaranteed himself an even more difficult afternoon at Old Trafford by declaring that most people in Manchester are Citeh fans. That’s like saying that most people in Newcastle support Gateshead FC. Given his Bosnian-ness, I am sure that Vidic was looking forward to cleansing him prior to these comments… I wonder how many pieces Nemanja can break him into? Citeh had a short stay at the pinnacle of English football on Saturday night; long enough for the delusions to entrench themselves even more in the minds of their embittered fans. The way they reached the summit was laughable, storming to a 4-1 lead against Wolves before nearly managing to hand them a point with Green-like goalkeeping and “can’t be bothered I haven’t had a fake tan all day”-style defending.

Mike Dean managed to further endear himself to all United fans with the ridiculous sending off of Rafael. I imagine he chuckled all the way back to Heswall, Wirral after that bit of magic. He couldn’t stop the mighty Reds returning to the top of the league though, and still with their unbeaten record in tact. Nice to see that no United players resorted to Ryan Babel-like behaviour, tweeting pictures of Mike Dean in a Spurs shirt, only because we all know that the incapable clown would have had a Liverpool one on.

Baron Greenback remains at West Ham despite their entire team going missing against Arsenal on Saturday evening. They were so poor that they even allowed Dobbin van Horsie two goals. Dobbin is one of the most overrated footballers alive and quite often Arsenal’s failure to win a trophy is blamed on his unfortunate absence through injury. I can concur with this as over the last two seasons he has suffered with a ruptured eyebrow, a nasty cough, Mange, worms and worst of all he went lame for three months with a stone in his hoof. I can only imagine that West Ham haven’t sacked Grant yet as they don’t fancy paying him off. That £5 million pounds plus compensation is a big sum of money – they will have to sell a whole load of butt plugs to Chelsea fans to supplement that.

Article by John Young. Follow him on Twitter @JY_MUFC


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