So what have we learnt since last week? We are now sure that Arsenal will be relegated. With Fibreglass gone, that snood wearing peg whittling gypsy Nasri on his way to Stockport Citeh and Spack Wilshere being indefinitely grounded for staying out past his bedtime last weekend they look snookered. Add to that their new central midfielder Spaniel Pingpong seems to have a penchant for card collecting and half-man, half-forehead Gervinho is ineligible for away games due to the lack of headroom in the changing rooms and Arsenal seem doomed. We know that Spurs are not going to challenge for Champions League places after they got ripped apart like a poor little baby seal that inadvertently slipped into a shark infested sea. Poor ‘Arry protested that his team had still been “in the game” up until the 60th minute, which is true, but as all competitive matches are contested over 90 that doesn’t really count for much. Arsene Wenger always tells us his team were in the title race until March yet the trophy cabinet at the Emirates is as empty as a Curry’s electrical store in Clapham. We are also fairly sure that it is going to be a tricky season for the diet scousers at Goodison. With no money to spend and a team with very little obvious talent it is going to be a massive task for Gollum to keep them safe.
The more pressing issue for me at the moment is which team do I detest the most? I have always had a deep-seated hate for Liverpool but it tends to be tempered by their performances and last season that hate turned to mockery as they stumbled along under the leadership of Agent Woy. I do hate Liverpool collectively but find their individual players rather funny. The only image I can conjure up of Glenn Johnson is with a stolen toilet seat under his arm. I can only think of Kuyt making his acting debut as Sloth in the Goonies, and I can just see Jamie Carragher trying to communicate in his local Aldi by his favourite medium – violence. So who do I hate the most these days now that Arsenal have signed a feeder agreement with Citeh? Well it is either the Rentboys or the Dippers and I found it hard to choose one over the other. So in a method trusted by the tabloid media I decided to match them up against each other, player vs. player, head to head, twat vs. twat on the “7Cantonas Cunt-O-Meter” awarding them marks out of 10 for their cuntwittery;
HILARIO vs. HART
Joe Hart is a smug twat and Hilario has the same talent for goalkeeping as I do for Cranial Surgery. However neither of them is particularly annoying so honours are even.
HART 6 HILARIO 6
BOSINGWA vs. RICHARDS
Jose Bosingwa is slightly less brittle than Dobbin van Horsie. Micah Richards is a fat bottomed donkey for whom the phrase “thick as shit” was coined. After effing and jeffing on a post-match interview he then had a “Mario” at Stuart Pearce after being substituted. He was also the source of the swine flu outbreak.
BOSINGWA 7 RICHARDS 9
COLE vs. KOLAROV
This is no contest. Kolarov is quite a talented player who has yet to properly annoy me. Ashley Cole is Ashley Cole. When he isn’t letting team mates hide their phones up his poo shoot he is crashing his car in outrage at his scandalous wage rise. He married a glamorous pop star and had affairs with tanning salon girls, asking them to bring rose wine to his room. Rose wine? If you are having a drink have a proper fucking drink at least. He then takes a rifle to training, the only shame in that is that it wasn’t a Heckler & Koch UMP and that it didn’t get fired at John Terry.
COLE 10 KOLAROV 7
ALEX vs. LESCOTT
Tricky. Alex is a twathouse and anyone that can break their leg taking a free kick deserves all the pain they get. Lescott on the other hand is one of the original Citeh mercenaries, ditching Gollum and heading to Wastelands after sheikh n Vac waved a voucher for a head transplant at him. I call this one even.
ALEX 8 LESCOTT 8
TERRY vs. KOMPANY
Another no-contest. Kompany has performed well for Citeh and never caused too much personal discomfort for me. He is even in the “Oddly shaped head gang” with Obertan and Silvestre. John Terry is a nasty vindictive cunthouse who has been a vile pusslicker ever since he came to prominence. However, he escapes full marks as he did win United the Champions League in 2008.
TERRY 9.5 KOMPANY 7
MIKEL vs. MILNER
Mikel had a transfer agreed to Manchester United and then subsequently claimed that Queiroz had kidnapped him, fed him poisoned puffer fish, stuck stingray tails in his eyes and made him sign. After a drawn out legal battle Chelsea agreed to pay United £10m for a player that never even pulled on a shirt. What an escape. Mikel is shit and a liability. Milner was knitted by inmates at Leeds prison and then bought to life by David O’Leary’s dark arts. Aside from that he is shit and looks like a Lego man.
MIKEL 8.5 MILNER 8
RAMIRES vs. BARRY
Ramires was originally adopted by Guy Ritchie and Madonna and when they separated he was presented to Chelsea as a mascot. Barry is another original Citeh mercenary. Desperate to join Liverpool the season before to sample Champions League football, he then demanded to leave the following summer to join Citeh, whose only possible European football was a pre-season friendly against Afan Lido. Apparently England’s only hope in the World Cup 2010 was if Barry was fit. Perhaps if Barry had been fit he would have covered back more quickly against Germany.
RAMIRES 7 BARRY 9
LAMPARD vs. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA
Another tough call. Lampard is a fat tosser, Yayayayayaya is a lanky tosser. Lampard has long been over-rated and shoehorned into the national team; let us not forget at Lord Scholes’ expense. Yayayayaya left Barcelona to join Citeh. Must have been the favourable climate. A draw.
LAMPARD 9 YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA 9
ANELKA vs. SILVA
Easy. David Silva is a very talented player and a member of the “looks curiously like old eastern European woman” club alongside Rosicky and Benayoun. Anelka has his head on upside down. He also had his head up his arse when he took his penalty in Moscow in 2008. An “enfant terrible” who has sulked his way out of most clubs, he gets top marks for his stupid upside down cow goal celebration.
ANELKA 10 SILVA 7
TORRES vs. DZEKO
Torres used to have “YNWA” tattooed on his eyelid and “I love Carra” tattooed… well, branded across his arse. Then he walked out to join Chelsea. Since then he has been outscored by Carlo Ancelotti’s eyebrow. Dzeko joined Citeh and then claimed Manchester was blue. Immediately after that interview Specsavers called him and saved his obviously failing sight.
TORRES 9 DZEKO 8.5
KALOU vs. AGUERO
Obviously I can’t score Aguero highly on the “Cunt-O-Meter” because if any journalists were to see it I would be the victim of a medieval witch hunt, hundreds of them using the free “ancient witch finding GPS” app on their iPhones to track me down and burn me at the medium rare steak and sautéed potatoes. Kalou was merely signed by accident, they meant to sign his brother Bonaventure but that is what happens when you put Peter Kenyon in charge of something. Kenyon has since suffered a near fatal electric shock after wiping his arse with an electricity pylon, useless twat.
KALOU 8 AGUERO 8
CHELSEA 92 CITEH 86.5
So there you have it, I hate Chelsea more than Citeh. Clearly this is a bit skewed because Kettleneck wasn’t in the starting line-up and neither was Balotelli or Clichy. Why not play along at home and note your score in the comments.