Football is a magical sport. Every week millions of fans make an incredible effort to go and watch their team play right across the world (apart from in Guam, where they are too scared of the tree snakes). Fans spend phenomenal amounts of money to follow their team, imagine being a Plymouth Argyle fan (sorry, but for the purpose of the example you have to) and your team get drawn away to Newcastle United in the Carling Cup on a Tuesday night. A 409 mile, 7 hour journey would be awaiting you. You would have to get the afternoon off from the pasty factory and face returning to Cornwall at about 6am. If you were a fan of Middlesbrough and wanted to go to the Southampton game you would have to stop watching Jeremy Kyle early and set off in your stolen car by lunchtime to give you enough time to rob three petrol stations. And when Liverpool played Brighton recently they left a 269 mile trail of hubcap-less cars in their wake, only just returning in time to avoid the job centre the next morning.
So it is a big commitment financially as well as emotionally, and that is why we football fans see every single incident magnified and intensified to a huge degree; certain players, clubs, grounds or refs provoke extreme emotions. Millions of United fans all over the world hate scousers yet love one scouser because he weaves a web of wonderment across the Theatre of Dreams so regularly. However, in every game there are always incidents that leave some fans loving and others hating specific players, and so I have decided to try and pick a “Wanker of the Week” in this edition of A Week In Football. I have picked three contenders based on recent events and the winner will be decided by the votes in the comments section. We at 7Cantonas will then pick a random reader winner and that person will receive a life-size cardboard cut-out of Carlos Tevez, complete with hooves and mottled neck.
Exhibit A – Luis Suarez
Suarez is a very talented footballer, of that there can be no doubt. However, he blurs this with his sheer lack of any moral fibre, charisma, class or sportsmanship. Lest we forget, this is the man that took a bite out of an opposition player during a break in play while at Ajax. He may very well have been horsefucked on industrial strength skunk, but I don’t care how bad the munchies are, you can’t just try and eat the other players. Not only that, Luis also handled the ball on the line thus preventing a Ghanaian winner in the World Cup match up, cheating but perhaps an instinctive reaction. Really the sin was the way he celebrated the eventual Uruguayan victory; he may as well have run in front of the Ghanaians rubbing his bum hole shouting, “kiss my arse you big losing donkey fuckers”. Fast forward to the most recent “Dipping Derby” and we see another incident of cheating and diving from the human plough. A decent sliding tackle from Jack Rodwell takes the ball away from Suarez, yet he collapses as if he was fingered by Susan Boyle, landing in a crumpled heap, clutching his ankle and signalling for the physio. The official referee had been kidnapped by King Kenny so a chap named Martin Atkinson was asked to step in; he clearly had no refereeing experience and so was taken in by Suarez’s death dive and sent poor Rodwell for an early dip. Everton reduced to 10 men were no match for Kenny’s team of mid-table cloggers and succumbed to a disappointing result. Suarez the villain of the match was also seen scoring the turf with his toothy pegs on his way back to the dressing up room.
Exhibit B – Spack Wilshere
Spack briefly held the title of “World’s Best Player according to the London Based Media”, wrestling the title from the talking monkey of Tottenham for a short while. However, controversy has never been far from his side. Back in August last year he had a terrible misadventure. He tried to force himself sexually on an innocent young man and when the chap’s girlfriend protested his heterosexuality Spack took offence and broke the young lass’s arm. Since then Spack has used his Twitter account (@overratedandobnoxious) to air his grievances. He joined in with Ryan Babel calling referees useless and can often be caught tweeting his experienced view on things. I imagine that Spack criticising Giggs is like Fred West telling Jesus that he wasn’t being religious enough. I expect that the townsfolk would have been delighted to be able to purchase a range of goods for only a pound. Spack gets £10 a week pocket money from the Lizard Man so he couldn’t possibly understand, but he has already established that Poundland doesn’t sell butt plugs or anal beads.
Exhibit C – Carlos Tevez
What can one say about Carlitos that hasn’t already been said? The loyal and loveable rogue has spent the summer plotting his exit from Wastelands, apparently £250k and all the Llama he can barbecue is not enough. As has been well publicised Carlos wouldn’t take to the pitch against Bayern, but that isn’t his crime. The misdemeanour he has committed is not being honest enough to admit he was wrong. Skoda Joorabchian approached the media with a bag full of money and crisps and convinced them that Kettleneck did not refuse to go on the pitch; he merely said he had done enough warming up. I would love to know how he reached that conclusion as it is wee-drinkingly obvious that Carlos cannot speak a language, he merely moo’s and grunts his way through life with a similar impact to that of a squirrel. Allegedly on the plane home Kolarov kicked off a revolt against the melted one but as quickly as it began it was over, three rubs from his coarse head holder was enough to take Kolarov down.
So, who gets your vote? One of these three or someone different altogether? Cast your vote in the comments section.