Kenneth Kyle Kevin Dalglish left his first spell as Liverpool manager because the pressure became too much. He was experiencing a mental episode that led him to spend a huge amount of time talking to furniture. This wasn’t a huge problem in the late 80s and actually he was very successful working on the advice of his standard lamp and a filing cabinet. His issues arose as the home furnishings giant Ikea sprang to prominence; Ken began to experience massive communication issues as he knew not a word of Swedish. Suddenly he was incapable of drawing advice from any of the office equipment he had become so dependent on and the pressure grew unbearable.
Years passed by and although Ken managed to win the league with Blackburn it was a false dawn; he was relying on Henning Berg’s loose understanding of the Swedish language, and it wasn’t long before Ken started to make some unfathomable decisions. He opted to become Director of Football in June 1995 without realising that this isn’t a proper job. In fact, it is the footballing equivalent of working for the local council as a project manager responsible for keeping the streets free of chewing gum. Ken had appointed Ray Harford as his manager which was clearly not the decision of a man still in complete control of his cognitive functions. Ken drifted along the managerial merry-go-round for awhile until he finally conceded defeat at Celtic. John Barnes had assured him he had a grip on the Swedish language and it wasn’t until Ken caught Barnes shouting at the waste paper bin in Esperanto he realised it was all nonsense. He left Celtic and got himself a job as a donkey walker to help make ends meet.
Following a chance meeting with Rafa Benitez in 2009, Ken found a way back into football. Rafa was finishing his shift as a silver service waiter at Ken’s local and over a glass of warm Vimto he asked the former Liverpool striker to come back to the fold. Sadly for the chubby Spaniard this was the start of his demise. Firstly, Ken advised him to grow a goatee beard, thereby making him look like a mildly retarded gypsy woman, instantly undermining him in the dressing room. Rafa was of course sacked and the owners of the club asked Ken to help them find a manager. He chose Roy Hodgson, having marked him as a man he could easily undermine at Klanfield. Woy had a clear plan for the club. He was very keen to get them relegated successively right down to the Dairylea Midshires Division 4, but Kenny exposed him. Once Woy was found out he was instantly sacked and the owners could only really give the job to one man – KKK Dalglish. In the barren jobless wasteland of Merseyside they have nothing else in life but football, since Bread was taken off the television, and so they had always clung to the belief that the furniture whisperer could deliver the club back to glory days.
Sadly, Kenny’s powers had waned, and instead of embodying the all-conquering warrior of the Merseyside he was actually surfing a worrying wave of decline both mentally and physically. As soon as Ken took over, he rid his office of any furniture to try and eliminate the risk of becoming guided by the pine again. Luckily for him no-one saw him sat on the floor reading the beano. Ken went wading into the transfer market like an obese schoolboy waving a tenner in front of an eager shopkeeper, and when the dust settled it made for some pretty interesting analysis. Ken has sold the man (woman) who had supplied the bulk of the goals for the Scousers over the last three years to one of their keenest transfer rivals, and even though Fernando Torres has had more gender reassignment operations than he had scored goals in London it does seem a curious decision. So who did Ken bring into the fold to replace this channel of goals Obviously, Andy Carroll, a man who had scored a princely 14 Premier League goals prior to his £35 million transfer to Ken’s Klan. I know things are never this simple, but that means the hubcap thieves paid roughly £2.5m per goal. They could have brought Emile Heskey back to the club for a much more reasonable fee and he would have added more of a goal threat, and quite possibly been a touch less expensive. To top that, they signed the “Cannibal of Amsterdam”, who had previously declared he wanted to go to Old Trafford. Liverpool kicked on under the impetus of the Scottish scarecrow and finished a stunning sixth, meaning that their only European adventure of the 2011-12 season would be a trip to the Liberty Stadium in Wales.
However, the wheels really started to come off in 2011. As usual, the Scousers proclaimed this season to be “the one”, backed up by spending a collective £40m+ on Jordan Henderson, Stuart Downing and Charlie Adam. I suppose this is the equivalent of someone gathering a road kill magpie, some out-of-date spuds and a turnip, and promising their out-of-work mates a veritable Christmas day feast. However, Ken has been spoiling for a fight all season and after calling Andre Villas-Boas a pubeless schoolboy and branding Roberto Mancini “scarfy cuntlips”, he was right up for the Liverpool v United fixture. Or as it is sometimes known in Merseyside, “Save Your Giro Day”. Sadly, during the fixture the Cannibal of Amsterdam saw fit to try and upset Patrice Evra by labelling him “negrito” throughout the game. This translates from Spanish as “little black man”, although apparently exclusively in Uruguay it means, “smashing chap who I mean no harm to, you really are a cracking footballer, oh!! you are black, I hadn’t noticed”. As allegations began to hit the papers, Ken pushed his chest out like a peacock and said, “ahh dunt fuckin care wit he sed, Looey is a braw lad, he nivva cawls any a oor players bad names, even tha black lads, so youse can all git ta fuck”.
What Kenny did was try and make this a tribal thing. He tried to unite the Liverpool fans behind Suarez and imply that it was big mean and nasty Manchester United that had started all the trouble. This wasn’t a problem for the Scousers, who still hold United responsible for the Indonesian Tsunami, Adolf Hitler, TOWIE and the Macarena. However, his best moment was still to materialise. As the Liverpool team Espace headed to Wigan, KKK was busy at his local printers. He had created t-shirts with the Cannibal’s face on and his name and number, then insisted the players wore them in the warm up. Imagine if Wigan had retaliated with t-shirts of Marlon King and the slogan “hoes are bitches” or if Plymouth players had sported Luke McCormick shirts with the words “A couple of drinks makes your driving better”. Basically Ken is saying it is okay to racially abuse a player as long as your player is also a diving, goal line cheating cannibal.
So what does the future hold For KKK Dalglish? If he manages to finish the season I think he will take up a more senior role at Liverpool, maybe chief steward of spilled hot beverages, and he will appoint Our Aveline off Bread to take over as manager, saying she could do well at the club as long as “she got hurr fuckin tits oot and let Luis smash her back doors in wonce or twise”.