Thank the lord for Steve Gerrard. Without him what would I ever write about? At the start of the season he told us that “Joe Cole is better than Messi”. Weeks and weeks of hilarity followed as little “one trick” Cole did everything he could to prove his skipper wrong and fail to live up to Gerrard’s hype. So far this season the Argentine Tom Thumb has managed 45 goals in 42 games, while in comparison Joezinho Cole has amassed 1 goal. I can’t tell you exactly how many games he has played partly because I don’t care and partly because it doesn’t matter. Unless he has only played 56 minutes of football his scoring rate per game can’t be higher than Messi’s. So it must be his assists that make him the best player ever then? NO again. The mercurial No.10 doesn’t have a single assist to his name in the Premier League; even Edwin Van der Sar has 1 assist. In fact, there are 248 players credited with a single assist. So Cole isn’t better than Messi, and statistically he is at best the 249th best player in the Premier League.
So after spending weeks hammering this nonsensical uttering from the green cross code shy Scouser I was beginning to grow concerned about what to address in the coming weeks. But fear not, the idiot escaped from the press department’s clutches and found himself a platform again, so he could tell us that Suarez and Carroll are “the most feared strike force in the league”. And he is RIGHT. Tell me one centre back who is going to want to be bitten by the Cannibal of Amsterdam or chased around the pitch by “the blood bottler” clutching a Boyzone CD and an industrial sized flagon of Newcastle Brown Ale. In terms of how scary they are, we should really measure them against some other strikers in the league to see if the Southport slugger is right:
Dimitar Berbatov – the silky Bulgarian recently brought a Boeing 737 down from the sky with one touch, pirouetted and then delivered it directly to Schiphol airport runway 3… without looking. This season he is the Premier League’s top goal scorer with 20 strikes. He has hit three hat tricks and 3 assists so far.
FEARSOME RATING – as scary as being given a pair of yellow gloves and a dustpan and brush and being sent to clean up the Fukashima Nuclear plant on your own.
Wayne Rooney – Wazza, as he is stupidly known, has had a mixed season. He temporarily lost his form, had an alleged foray into the dark world of prostitution and asked to leave the Mighty United. However, throughout his career he has been a devastating attacking force both with goals and assists. Last season he hit 34 goals before he lost the plot, and this season he hit possibly the most goose bump-inducing goal I have seen for some time against the blue turds.
FEARSOME RATING – As scary as being dipped in blood and then dangled over the edge of a small fishing boat that is winding its way over to Shark Island at feeding time.
Javier Hernandez – The little pea was signed while still a fairly anonymous player, plucked from the Mexican league before his value rocketed at the World Cup in South Africa. He has quickly become a huge fans favourite with his prayers before the game, his incredible movement and his deadly predatory instinct. He has already plundered 10 league goals this season, which makes him the top scoring Premier League debutant.
FEARSOME RATING – As scary as losing one of your limbs on a cross desert trek, then being pursued by a mixed gang of leopards, cheetahs and lions. Just when you think you have outrun them your other ankle dissolves due to a mixture of heat and sweat and you find yourself stumping towards a dead end.
So there is a pretty fearsome strike force at United for the Sabre Toothed Suarez and the binge drinking dimwit to contend with. Not only that, you also have the perpetually greasy haired Drogba and his partner Anelka. You could even throw Dobbin Van Horsie and Andrei Arse-sharing into the mix. They have 115 strikers at Citeh that could manage a goal or two, and I think even those boys at Villa will prove to be more effective, until they slide out of the Premier League with a very quiet whimper. Poor old Stevie has done it again, I would imagine the scousers will now try and keep him away from microphones for fear of another ridiculous batch of mouth dung escaping, but what might he treat us to if he escapes again:
- Dirk Kuyt is the best looking player in Europe?
- Reina has the best hairstyle of the whole Spanish squad?
- Carragher loves his wife and has never look at another man/woman
In other news, the armband-stealing, penalty-missing crybaby finally got his own way and led the England team out at Wembley again. Quite why the captaincy of a team that really can’t be arsed to put in a decent shift is so fascinating is beyond me, but as he stole it from Rio it would seem that he needs to be analysed to see if Fabio No-Speako-Da-Lingo made the right decision:
Leadership – Terry managed to go the whole game without shagging any team mate’s wives or selling tours round the stadium for cash. 10/10
Motivation – Terry played the game without stopping for a wee against the advertising boards or interfering with any academy players. 10/10
Decision Making – Terry correctly decided not to miss any Champions League-winning penalties; he also correctly elected not to cry at any point or try to shake hands with ex-team mates who he had wronged by sleeping with their loved ones. 10/10
Overall – Terry is a nasty, vindictive, spiteful pikey who has the moral fibre of Colonel Gadhafi and the allure of a turd-filled swimming pool. He fits in well at Chelsea with these characteristics, but maybe instead of captaining England he should be made to try and outrun a ground to air missile.
Finally, I was thinking to myself the other day that I seem to be writing about the same players all the time. I was concerned that there is only so many times you can laugh at Dobbin Van Horsie’s brittle bones, Tevez and his mystical beastness or Cashley and his smokescreen marriage and eventual outing as the gayest man since Kenneth Grahame. I was thinking I need a new angle, and then it hit me. I need to add – Ballotelliwatch. A new permanent feature showcasing the work of the single most stupid individual the football world has ever seen, so here is Edition One:
BALLOTELLIWATCH – It has been a quiet few days for Mario. His most recent moment of stupidity was only a minor misdemeanour. He only threw a few darts at some youth team players from a hotel window. This could have only really resulted in a spot of blindness for one of the unsuspecting youngsters, so nothing to really dwell on. It’s not as if he was even doing it for any reason, he was just a bit bored so you can understand it really. If I was playing football for a living, earning a mindboggling amount of money, and found myself with nothing to do I think I too would take a stroll down to Sports Direct and buy a few packs of arrows too. If anyone is to blame it’s the youth players – you know what kids are like these days, they probably deserved it.