Editor’s Note: Firstly, this article does contain expletive language. Also, much of this article draws from David Clayton’s The bluffer’s guide to MCFC on the official website of Manchester City. For the sake of avoiding any copyright issues, and giving due credit to the idiot who wrote the original piece, the excerpts taken from the original article are in blue. Just to reiterate, all blue text is taken from The bluffer’s guide to MCFC. Thank you.
Hello and welcome to the penultimate edition of A Week In Football for this season. Obviously the big news is the winning of the record breaking 19th title thus de-perching the shit eaters from Analfield. A title won despite this being a poo team that bears no semblance to any Ferguson teams of the past, a team that the journalists said could well drop out of the top 4 this season. Good work journalists –you are all eulogising over it now I would imagine.
However, if you look around the 7Cantonas site there will be plenty of tributes to the record breaking team, my job is to ridicule and discredit our opposition. If you regularly read this section you will know that if Steven Gerrard is not providing me with the bullets then it’s usually someone from the Wastelands showing themselves up to be aggressive, money grabbing, retarded or delusional. Or normally all of those. This week, however, they have surpassed themselves at the “Massive Club” by posting “The bluffer’s guide to MCFC” or as I like to call it “How to be a Cunt”. Sadly though they have gone about it all the wrong way, so as seeker of the truth I thought it only right that I decipher, translate and interpret it for all of you magical Reds;
New to Manchester City FC? Then you have probably stumbled upon this website by mistake, it’s my bet that you were looking for Manchester United. Never mind, we have loads of room at our stadium. We regularly have 20,000 spare seats at home games, so there is plenty of room. Read on and see if we can convert you into a bitter cunt too.
We all know we have the best fans in the world and manager Roberto Mancini is building the team our supporters deserve. Even if we only get 25,000 to home games and despite spending £500m we have just the FA Cup and a mythical half-man, half-horse to show for it.
Loyalty, commitment, passion and, during the darker times, a sense of humour has been needed over the years to follow the Blues – that’s what we affectionately call City – but expectation and optimism have now been added to those qualities. However, this should always be tempered with caution because there will come a time when that Sheikh will get bored of spunking away his illegally obtained oil fortune and find something better to do with it. Like trying to revive the dinosaurs or building a bridge to the moon. And when the money goes we shall enter a state of insolvency followed by a freefall through the footballing pyramid that would make Accrington Stanley wince. So make the most of it while you can.
Success means we’ll be welcoming a new generation of City fans from here in England and all over the globe, too, and when our new followers come on board, they’ll be welcomed with open arms into our ‘family’, before they too realise they have come to watch the wrong club and troop out shrouded in disappointment and feeling bilious. We will probably attract new followers in the same way that Cheslea did when they got a rich benefactor, gathering together the floatsome and jetsome of the “drifitng” football fan pool. The ones that when asked who they support refuse to specify a team, instead insisting “I used to like Liverpool in the 80s, apart from 87 when I supported Coventry, but then I changed to Wimbledon in 88. After that I was keen on Arsenal for a while, while Leeds were my second team. I did like Chelsea a few years ago, but you won’t catch me supporting United, all their fans are glory hunters.” The very type of fan for whom the “half and half” scarf was invented.
Champions League qualification and the FA Cup Final will mean hundreds of thousands of people will adopt the Blues as their chosen side and with that in mind, here is a guide to help ‘newbies’ bluff your way through the televised games, with your mates down at the pub or actually at a game. By now you are probably thinking, “This is bollocks, they expect hundreds of thousands of new supporters, plus they are calling them ‘newbies????”’”. To explain these indiscretions, the person that writes our website used to sit halfway up the stairs in our offices licking the windows and poking himself in the eye with a fork, but he was the only person we could persuade to write such a condescending, riddled with shit article. Sorry. Please read on.
So long as you’ve got City in your hearts, we want your support – and if you are watching City (there’s only one City, by the way!) take on Stoke at Wembley on Saturday and you’ll be cheering us on for the first time in the new Carlos Tevez home shirt you’ve just bought on-line, this is stuff you need to know. Hold on, the first thing you actually need to know is that Carlos Tevez shirt you have just bought is by now redundant. By the time you read this we will be mucking out Carlos’ empty stables and he will be in the air, freighted out to Italy or Spain. Plus, as anyone (serious retards excluded) will know, there is more than one City, but there is only one Citeh.
As they say on the evening news sports results round-up, if you don’t want to know the following – or more likely if you already know (!), look away now.
Our fans’ anthem is Blue Moon, a song written 67 years ago by Rogers and Hart and adopted in or around 1989. Though we don’t sing the whole song – just the chorus – Blue Moon echoes out when the players are need of an uplift or when we we’ve just scored. By echoes we mean that the 25,000 that attend our home games sing, but the song echoes around the rest of the empty ground, keeping the tumbleweed company.
If asked where we play our football, it’s the City of Manchester Stadium – also nicknamed Eastlands due to the area of Manchester it is in. It’s worth noting that from 1923 to 2003 we played our home games at Maine Road. By Eastlands, we mean Wastelands, due to the fact that it is a waste of perfectly good space. It would be better served knocking it down and making it into a park and ride for the local KFC.
If you are asked who your favourite players are from down the years – your credibility is at stake here – don’t say Francis Bell, Colin Summerbee and Yaya Dzeko though these names exists, they are combinations – have a good scan over the club website and check out who the current favourites are and who the club legends are and take notes! To be safe, just say nothing. Most of the current squad will be gone in the next few years. Tevez is off, Toure is going to be banned for his crack abuse, Lescott is a third of the way through an internal melting process – his head is melting from the inside very slowly. Dzeko has only recently realised he signed for the wrong club and Balotelli will probably stick to a car window in the autumn frosts, mid-lick, and end up being dragged along the M6.
And, if we score against Stoke and some more experienced Blues (ahem!) around you ask you to join in a ‘Poznan’ , don’t say ‘Sure, make it a double with ice’, simply turn your back to the screen or the pitch, put your arms around the shoulders of the people on either side and jump up and down. Simple! Watch the experts in action first! By experts, we mean the originators, see if you can find Lech Poznan on the internet and watch them. We copied it and now shamelessly harangue any other team that use it, calling it “our dance”. It shows the kind of dimwit that we attract at our club that they celebrate and chant while turning their backs on the game. Although given the dross on show while Mancini’s mercenaries defend their way through the game in their much drilled 9-0-1 formation, who can blame them?
Of course, in the fullness of time you’ll pick ‘The Knowledge’ and become a diehard City fan just like the rest of us. Until we lose our money, or become the epicentre for a pandemic of leprosy. When we disappear back into division 3 you will probably find a better team to support. Like Leigh RMI or Havant & Waterlooville.