A Week In Football : How to be a C*nt

A Week In Football : How to be a C*nt

Editor’s Note: Firstly, this article does contain expletive language. Also, much of this article draws from David Clayton’s The bluffer’s guide to MCFC on the official website of Manchester City. For the sake of avoiding any copyright issues, and giving due credit to the idiot who wrote the original piece, the excerpts taken from the original article are in blue. Just to reiterate, all blue text is taken from The bluffer’s guide to MCFC. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to the penultimate edition of A Week In Football for this season. Obviously the big news is the winning of the record breaking 19th title thus de-perching the shit eaters from Analfield. A title won despite this being a poo team that bears no semblance to any Ferguson teams of the past, a team that the journalists said could well drop out of the top 4 this season. Good work journalists –you are all eulogising over it now I would imagine.

However, if you look around the 7Cantonas site there will be plenty of tributes to the record breaking team, my job is to ridicule and discredit our opposition. If you regularly read this section you will know that if Steven Gerrard is not providing me with the bullets then it’s usually someone from the Wastelands showing themselves up to be aggressive, money grabbing, retarded or delusional. Or normally all of those. This week, however, they have surpassed themselves at the “Massive Club” by posting “The bluffer’s guide to MCFC” or as I like to call it “How to be a Cunt”. Sadly though they have gone about it all the wrong way, so as seeker of the truth I thought it only right that I decipher, translate and interpret it for all of you magical Reds;

New to Manchester City FC? Then you have probably stumbled upon this website by mistake, it’s my bet that you were looking for Manchester United. Never mind, we have loads of room at our stadium. We regularly have 20,000 spare seats at home games, so there is plenty of room. Read on and see if we can convert you into a bitter cunt too.

We all know we have the best fans in the world and manager Roberto Mancini is building the team our supporters deserve. Even if we only get 25,000 to home games and despite spending £500m we have just the FA Cup and a mythical half-man, half-horse to show for it.

Loyalty, commitment, passion and, during the darker times, a sense of humour has been needed over the years to follow the Blues – that’s what we affectionately call City – but expectation and optimism have now been added to those qualities. However, this should always be tempered with caution because there will come a time when that Sheikh will get bored of spunking away his illegally obtained oil fortune and find something better to do with it. Like trying to revive the dinosaurs or building a bridge to the moon. And when the money goes we shall enter a state of insolvency followed by a freefall through the footballing pyramid that would make Accrington Stanley wince. So make the most of it while you can.

Success means we’ll be welcoming a new generation of City fans from here in England and all over the globe, too, and when our new followers come on board, they’ll be welcomed with open arms into our ‘family’, before they too realise they have come to watch the wrong club and troop out shrouded in disappointment and feeling bilious. We will probably attract new followers in the same way that Cheslea did when they got a rich benefactor, gathering together the floatsome and jetsome of the “drifitng” football fan pool. The ones that when asked who they support refuse to specify a team, instead insisting “I used to like Liverpool in the 80s, apart from 87 when I supported Coventry, but then I changed to Wimbledon in 88. After that I was keen on Arsenal for a while, while Leeds were my second team. I did like Chelsea a few years ago, but you won’t catch me supporting United, all their fans are glory hunters.” The very type of fan for whom the “half and half” scarf was invented.

Champions League qualification and the FA Cup Final will mean hundreds of thousands of people will adopt the Blues as their chosen side and with that in mind, here is a guide to help ‘newbies’ bluff your way through the televised games, with your mates down at the pub or actually at a game. By now you are probably thinking, “This is bollocks, they expect hundreds of thousands of new supporters, plus they are calling them ‘newbies????”’”.  To explain these indiscretions, the person that writes our website used to sit halfway up the stairs in our offices licking the windows and poking himself in the eye with a fork, but he was the only person we could persuade to write such a condescending, riddled with shit article. Sorry. Please read on.

So long as you’ve got City in your hearts, we want your support – and if you are watching City (there’s only one City, by the way!) take on Stoke at Wembley on Saturday and you’ll be cheering us on for the first time in the new Carlos Tevez home shirt you’ve just bought on-line, this is stuff you need to know. Hold on, the first thing you actually need to know is that Carlos Tevez shirt you have just bought is by now redundant. By the time you read this we will be mucking out Carlos’ empty stables and he will be in the air, freighted out to Italy or Spain. Plus, as anyone (serious retards excluded) will know, there is more than one City, but there is only one Citeh.

As they say on the evening news sports results round-up, if you don’t want to know the following – or more likely if you already know (!), look away now.

Our fans’ anthem is Blue Moon, a song written 67 years ago by Rogers and Hart and adopted in or around 1989. Though we don’t sing the whole song – just the chorus  – Blue Moon echoes out when the players are need of an uplift or when we we’ve just scored. By echoes we  mean that the 25,000 that attend our home games sing, but the song echoes around the rest of the empty ground, keeping the tumbleweed company.

If asked where we play our football, it’s the City of Manchester Stadium – also nicknamed Eastlands due to the area of Manchester it is in. It’s worth noting that from 1923 to 2003 we played our home games at Maine Road. By Eastlands, we mean Wastelands, due to the fact that it is a waste of perfectly good space. It would be better served knocking it down and making it into a park and ride for the local KFC.

If you are asked who your favourite players are from down the years – your credibility is at stake here – don’t say Francis Bell, Colin Summerbee and Yaya Dzeko though these names exists, they are combinations  – have a good scan over the club website and check out who the current favourites are and who the club legends are and take notes! To be safe, just say nothing. Most of the current squad will be gone in the next few years. Tevez is off, Toure is going to be banned for his crack abuse, Lescott is a third of the way through an internal melting process – his head is melting from the inside very slowly. Dzeko has only recently realised he signed for the wrong club and Balotelli will probably stick to a car window in the autumn frosts, mid-lick, and end up being dragged along the M6.

And, if we score against Stoke and some more experienced Blues (ahem!) around you ask you to join in a ‘Poznan’ , don’t say ‘Sure, make it a double with ice’, simply turn your back to the screen or the pitch, put your arms around the shoulders of the people on either side and jump up and down. Simple! Watch the experts in action first! By experts, we mean the originators, see if you can find Lech Poznan on the internet and watch them. We copied it and now shamelessly harangue any other team that use it, calling it “our dance”. It shows the kind of dimwit that we attract at our club that they celebrate and chant while turning their backs on the game. Although given the dross on show while Mancini’s mercenaries defend their way through the game in their much drilled 9-0-1 formation, who can blame them?

Of course, in the fullness of time you’ll pick ‘The Knowledge’ and become a diehard City fan just like the rest of us. Until we lose our money, or become the epicentre for a pandemic of leprosy. When we disappear back into division 3 you will probably find a better team to support. Like Leigh RMI or Havant & Waterlooville.

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About The Author

RetroUnited.com is the number one website for Manchester United news, statistics and memorabilia. Run by former players of the club, regular exclusive opinion is featured on the website.

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14 Comments

  1. sheila gletherow

    brilliant,made me nearly wet myself as well as bringing on one of my coughing fits,which left me breathless,casping for air till i threw up the jacket potato id resently eaten.love it,need a fag now.

    Reply
  2. John Young

    Thanks Sheila, glad you enjoyed it. Sorry to hear about your jacket potato loss. If you ask Yolkie or Kyle they will send you a voucher for “Spud U Like” to replenish your meal. Thanks for reading and commenting.

    Reply
    1. sheila gletherow

      consider yourself followed sir,that goes for anyone who makes me laugh,The Neville Brothers,Mr Rooney, oh and Andy Carroll,im on the squirty cream now,it might be the nitreous oxide,i do get bad acid on it though,Good stuff,keep it up,love it,UNITED!Mad as fucking balloon.

      Reply
  3. Brian Mccarthy

    Funny your post should start by talking about stumbling across web sites, because that’s what I did with yours.

    Cards on the table. United fan since the days of Joe Jordan and the like. Perhaps I’m a rarity too (I kid of course) as I hail from Manchester.

    So, your job is to ridicule opponents – why?

    Why not have a bit of sport, a bit of banter and some fun – but in the end celebrate our 19th title, the supreme reign of Sir Alex, the glory and tradition that is Manchester United without the witless inanity of a from the gutter post offensively called “How to be a cunt”.

    It is no wonder so many of us are greeted with such hostility when traveling around the country and Europe to follow our beloved United, when we exhibit such a lack of class as your post does. At best it is mildly amusing, but most definitely offensive, inaccurate, libelous and comes across as far more “bitter” than those noisy neighbors in East Manchester.

    I love the bragging rights beating City, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and hopefully Barca gives us, but I do it with fun and good humour – not profanity and arrogance.

    If you really are a visionary John, step it up and let’s rise above juvenial exchanges like this drivel.

    Reply
    1. John Young

      Thanks for your comments Brian, I do value any feedback. If you spend some time looking at different writers work on 7Cantonas you will see a great breadth of styles and there is plenty on the site that ticks all the boxes that you are looking for, so please have a read of these and you will throughly enjoy them.
      I write in a particular style as it reflects my sense of humour and I fully appreciate that it isnt everybodys cup of tea, but I am also regularly told that fans of other clubs read “A week in football” and enjoy it, some even share the link on facebook and other sites.
      Thanks for taking the time to read it and I am sorry it didnt strike a chord with you, but there is a wealth of articles that I am sure you will enjoy all over the site.

      Reply
  4. gavin smith

    just to say 1st of all iam a villa fan but have watched utd intensely for yrs and the rise of fergie and it is an amazing story to be admired so thats why i pay attention to utd so much,reading that article had me in stitchs laughing thats my sence of humour as well so at times i was cryin with laughter well done and fair play,plus nice to see you didnt slag fuck out of the villa;-)

    Reply
  5. Dicks

    Absolutely hilarious. You must feel so threatened by Man City that you have wasted you time to write this bullshit. Get a real job you worthless cunt! It’s mad because you are writing this just to try and satisfy yourself and other rags that City are shit, when you now know that we aren’t. In the next couple of years you will see a massive change to City. United will just rot in debt.

    United is history, City are the future!!!!
    You’ll all be City fans soon because your all glory hunting cunts.

    MCFC PRIDE OF MANCHESTER

    Reply
    1. John Young

      What a superbly appropriate name. Firstly I should begin by saying how wonderful it is that they let you use the computers at school, but you should watch your use of swear words, that might land you a detention. Just to answer your points;
      a) I couldn’t care less about Citeh, but found their hilarious self-whoring article to be suitable game for some piss taking.
      b) I have a proper job, but thanks for the career advice.
      c) United may carry debt but also create a huge revenue, Citeh don’t. The more likely event is that your benefactor will tire of his cash drain and walk away.
      d) I will NEVER EVER be anything other than a UNITED fan.
      e) Maybe you are the one feeling threatened – hence the time spent viewing a UNITED site. Or maybe someone had bookmarked it on the school computers. Enjoy your homework.

      Reply
    2. Kyle Diller

      Dicks,

      Just curious how Manchester City fans feel about this statement: “Success means we’ll be welcoming a new generation of City fans from here in England and all over the globe”. After years of criticizing Manchester United for having ‘glory hunters’ for fans, surely that statement must upset you. Having these so-called ‘glory hunters’ amongst yourselves is surely a disturbing thought. Would be very hypocritical of City to invite ‘glory hunters’ to join them after years of putting down United fans. And yet your club seems to welcome it: “when our new followers come on board, they’ll be welcomed with open arms into our ‘family’.” Whether you like it or not, it seems you – or rather the people who run the club – are slowly trying to become the club you so passionately despise.

      P.S. You couldn’t pay me enough to support City. Even if, god forbid, United fell to the third divison, I’d follow them down there.

      Reply
    3. Kyle Diller

      Also, to be fair, John made fun of Liverpool many times this season and we sure as hell don’t feel threatened by them at the moment. Same goes for City.

      Reply
  6. How to be a c*nt

    How to be a c*nt!

    1. Simply go on to an opposing football teams website.
    2. Scan through it and find some quotes.
    3. Then try your hardest to think of something to write which thick cockney rags might find funny.
    4. Post it on a website.
    5. Wait for fellow rags to kiss your ass and tell you how funny you are.

    Now thats a C*nt!!

    Reply
    1. John Young

      Hello Again Dick(S).

      Haven’t we already been through this?

      But seeing as you clearly spent all day at school thinking out what you convinced yourself was a witty retort I suppose it would be rude of me not to reply.

      1. Opposing teams website? No. Had no need to go on http://www.emptyseats.com to find the article, it was all over the public domain.
      2. Scan through it? Again no need. The whole thing is riddled with huge invitations to rip the piss.
      3. Try my Hardest? No need. It was already an hilarious article that was surely transcribed from the clucking of a chicken.
      4. Post it on a website? Yes, thats what we did. Well done that is your first salient point so far. Your chemistry teacher will be proud.
      5. Ass Kissing? I hate to be pedantic but I dont own an ass. If you meant arse kissing then no. As yet none of my fellow United fans have kissed my bottom. Some have said they enjoyed the article but none have yet felt compelled to kiss me anywhere.

      So thanks again for partaking. Enjoy the weekend and remember there is no school on Monday, you can have a lie in.
      Bye

      Reply

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