A Week In Football : Ken and Dreary

The one thing I worry about — aside from the Faroe Islands launching an invasion of the United Kingdom, overthrowing the government and installing Faroese as the national language — is that this feature becomes repetitive. I don’t want to be battering Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Citeh every week, but what am I supposed to do when they just keep forcing my hand? In the past few weeks we have had Arsene at his lowest ebb, being pulverised 8-2 at Old Trafford and then bummed 4-3 at Poultry Park. We have had Ginger Villas-Boas carping on to all and sundry about the preposterous refereeing decisions that changed the game at Old Trafford. I assume he means the decision NOT to send Cashley Hole off for a career-threatening challenge on Javier Hernandez. Then we have dear old Garrrrrrry Cook and his typical retarded behaviour. Sending abusive and mocking e-mails to a player’s mother and then claiming it was his computer that had been hacked; of course, the ludicrously untalented Oliver Holt mused that it had been hacked from somewhere close to Old Trafford.

Then, whilst I was pondering the subject for this week’s edition the chickens came home to roost at Anfield. Having ignored all of the hubcap thieves and their perpetual “this is our year” garbling for the last 20+ years, I was amazed at how the media had started rubbing themselves furiously when talking about Kenny and his middle-earth men. According to some of the “experts”, Liverpool had invested well and were now in a position to challenge for the Premier League title. Wow. If I had written an article claiming that Rose West had repented all of her crimes and was now ready to work as a gynaecologist it would have borne similar likelihood yet would have surely been condemned. However, the last two league games have seen Liverpool battered like an old cod in a back street fish & chips shop that uses dirty oil and reclaimed fish pieces, so surely now is the time to review their first team and see just how likely they are to avoid relegation;

Reina – Jose Reina has done well in his time at Liverpool. Being a former product of the Barcelona academy he has pedigree. He possibly eats Pedigree now that he lives on Merseyside though due to the woeful food shortages suffered in the area. Has clean sheet records aplenty and aside from being beaten by the Sunderland striker Beachball a couple of years ago has a fairly good record.

Skrtel – Martin Skrtel was made using the offcuts of several mutated hens that were surplus to requirement at the Handlova nuclear hen factory. He was signed by El Waiter in 2008 and the tubby Spaniard compared him to Carragher. Undeterred, Skrtel set about his task in the Liverpool defence and despite trying to help Havant & Waterlooville win on his debut he did okay in his first few matches. However, he was troubled with the dual problem of being injury prone and sadly abject at defending in subsequent seasons and there was rumours that King Ken was planning to replace him with a standard lamp for the 2011-12 season.

Carragher – Lovely kind James Lee Duncan Carragher, a jovial and pleasant chap who defends and plays the game like a gentleman… apart from when his woeful lack of pace is exposed or he sees someone in a Manchester United shirt. The nasty vindictive bully is currently second on Liverpool’s all-time first team appearance list and has the second most own goals in Premier League history. I know which one of these he is most likely to top before he retires and is melted down to make sanitary towels. Carragher also famously retired from international duty so he could spend more time at home burgling the homes of his team mates while they were out of the country, yet when there was a chance to go to the World Cup he came out of retirement like a shot. And who could blame him, where better to fine tune his carjacking skills than South Africa

Agger – A spindly chap, Daniel Agger looks more likely to be found in the midst of a crack den, tattooing himself with smouldering liquorice sticks, than on a football pitch. However, despite his appearance Agger is quite a good player with a devilish strike from set pieces, which is exactly why Agent Woy kept him out of the team during his tenureship of the Dippers, instead deploying the spitefully featured Skrtel.

Enrique – Allegedly one of King Ken’s “bargains” of the summer window. Enrique was plying his trade at Newcastle before Liverpool swooped with all the precision of a colour blind barnacle goose and delivered him to Analfield. At best the club-footed left back is relegation struggle material, and when you compare him to Patrice Evra or Fabio he looks like a part-time hacker from the Ryman League.

Henderson – There was much speculation that Jordan Henderson would end up at Old Trafford earlier on in the year, that was until Ferguson realised that the tea lady didn’t actually need an assistant after all and cancelled his offer of a case of Babycham and six packs of prawn cocktail hula hoops. Ken blustered in and paid £20m for him and it wasn’t until Bruce saw the official offer that he realised Ken had put the decimal point in the wrong place. Henderson may well become a good player, there is also a chance that I may go on to pioneer the space programme on the island of Guam.

Lucas – The former captain of the Brazilian under-20 team, Lucas has been incredibly consistent during his time at Liverpool. He has been shit throughout the entire duration. Even the Liverpool fans don’t like him, but that is mainly down to his reluctance to go church roof de-leading with the rest of the boys. Ken described him best, with typically intricate verbosity, “He may be the one who stops the guy going past his fella then sets us on our way”. He could have been describing a doorman at a clinic for gender reassessment.

Adam – Another of Ken’s bargains. I have said plenty about Charlie Adam in previous weeks, such as the fact that he was deemed inadequate by Glasgow Rangers to play in a league that has the equivalent skill factor of the Banks Bitter Midland Sunday League Division 7. Adam showed his ability against Spurs by firstly rugby tackling Luka Modric. He had no choice really, Modric was away and Adam has the turning circle of a badly damaged oil tanker, so it was his only option. He then raked his studs down the world’s second best player’s shin in attempt to “tackle” his left elbow. If he is worth £10m for his corners, he is worth -£5m for his tackling, -£3m for his odd shaped head and -£6m for his lethargy. Giving him a net value of -£4m.

Downing – Apparently great value for money, the player that Boro couldn’t wait to get rid of to make way for Adam Johnson. Stuart Downing has always struck me as someone that has been starved of oxygen on numerous occasions. The ONLY thing he has going for him is the fact that he can kick a ball with his left foot. That aside he is a clearly dim-witted chap who offers as much attacking threat as a Rottweiler on rohypnol.

Suarez – A very talented footballer who is handicapped with teeth big enough to furnish a wooly mammoth. Apart from his act of horror in the World Cup, he is also known to have sunk his teeth into an opposition player, cutting the victim clean in half with his gnashers. This earned him the name “The Cannibal of Amsterdam” and since his move to Scouseland he has had to adapt his approach. He is now permitted to nibble Skrtel’s face once a week and every second Wednesday he has to sharpen them on the soul of Carragher.

Carroll – Are there really any words needed? King Ken spent £35m on this lanky yet domestically violent pylon. Allegedly the money was spent on his potential. If that is the case then I am worth around £4m potentially to the Strongbow brewery. Carroll has a pony tail and a drinking habit making him more like Kerry Katona than Ian Rush, yet in intellectual measures he is equal to both. He also thinks Italy is like a foreign country and understands that football isn’t like science rocket.

So that is the XI that got cottaged by Spurs. Yes, they have Gerrard to come back in, but he is the wrong side of 30 and has struggled with Lego-head issues all his career. There is Kuyt, but one feels that following the highlight of being Sloth in the Goonies he has nothing left to achieve. More recently Craig Bellamy has been bought back into the fold and although he is a good player he is also quite possibly the most horrific neckless cuntmaster to ever play the game, El Hadji Diouf apart. Beneath this there is a plethora of orks and goblins, awash with scouseness that will surely convince King Ken to let them have a few games.

So, in review, can you expect a team that finished 6th in the Premier League and has recruited Downing, Adam, Enrique and Bellamy to suddenly click and challenge for the League title? If you are a non-Liverpool fan then the answer is clearly no. If you are a scouser you will already have fallen under the furniture whisperer’s spell. In your lounge a self-constructed replica of the Premier League trophy probably takes centre stage, either made from spare bits of scrap metal that has been discarded from the hub caps or the foil which housed the weekly smack supper.