I am going to begin by being absolutely clear on one thing – I am a jinxer. So for this reason I won’t be mentioning anything about the destiny of the Premier League title until Mr Nemanja Vidic has the trophy in his death inducing grip, the handles being crushed out of shape as he cavorts around Old Trafford in a terrifying death ballet.
So, back to the matter in hand and once again the Southport Slugger has saved me. I normally start thinking about writing this article on a Monday and then get distracted by the loud buzzing of a bee or the murmuring of a wood pigeon and forget what I was doing. I then toy with various ideas and thoughts during Tuesday and Wednesday before deciding that the best course of action is to just take the piss out of our most hated opposition players and teams. Unless, that is, Mr Steven Gerrard has been talking to the media, because when that happens my work is done. I barely need to add anything to his inane and ridiculous ramblings. We don’t need to remind ourselves of his pre-season vocal cuntery, but we will – “Anything Messi can do, Joe can do as well, if not better”. For the LAST time I will just dissect that – Joe Cole – 2 goals, 1 red card. Most notable moment – scoring for Liverpool RESERVES against the United Reserves and then going absolutely bat shit mental and looking slightly less retarded than Temuri Ketsbaia, he of the hoarding boards assault.
Then, just to prove his worth to the world of media, he told us that Suarez and Carroll are “the most feared strike force in the league”. Again, I refuted this nonsense and it made for another article that wrote itself. Just to check where we are on that statement United has Hernandez, Rooney and Berbatov as their main strikers and they have returned 44 goals and 15 assists. Liverpool has the “cannibal of Amsterdam”, the Blood Bottler and Sloth out of the Goonies as their triumvirate of sewage and they have mustered 30 goals and 13 assists. So the United strikers have scored 14 and created 2 more goals. I imagine there are some scousers out there (providing they can read and have stolen an internet accessing device) that would argue that Suarez has only been around for half a season. So has Rooney. Argument dismissed. In fact Chelsea’s trio of Malouda, Drogba and Kalou have 35 goals (couldn’t be arsed to look for their assists, sorry). I haven’t included Torres in the Chelsea trio because I don’t think he has actually played for them yet. I understand that Abramovich purchased him in reaction to news that Fulham were going to have a statue outside their ground. That simple village idiot always wants to go one better. So just so we are clear, Liverpool’s strikers aren’t the best statistically and their top scorer sits behind such luminaries as Peter Odemwingie and the perpetually injured Dobbin van Horsie. If a man who spends 73 out of every 90 minutes injured has scored more than the most expensive player in Britain, and newest member of the Ronan Keating fan club, then not so fearsome.
So on to his latest moment of verbal diahorrea, the Liverpool captain and part-time DJ beater gave us this diamond. He told befuddled looking reporters that if Arsenal had Jamie Carragher they would have won the league. So in that case when Liverpool were challenging for the league title on 2009, with Carragher on board, why didn’t they win the league? Maybe because they didn’t have Fabregas? And why in 2008 did Chelsea miss out by such a narrow margin? Well probably because they didn’t have Ronaldo?
It is easy to say that if “team x” had “player z” they would have won the title. I am sure United would have had number 19 last season if only they had been in possession of Lionel Messi or Higuain, but they didn’t. What makes this fuckwit’s rambling all the more stupid is that Jamie Carragher is about as good at defending as Arsene is at spotting a defender. Shit. Some people of a generous disposition may have given Carragher some accolades earlier in his career, but for a few years now he has been a lumbering prick, as fleet footed as a wardrobe and with the ability of a shoebox. He would have added nothing to Arsenal’s squad apart from the need for them to hire ANOTHER interpreter. The only person who might have understood his phlegm filled garblings would have been Jack Le Wilshere, but his playing time in the north of England has now nearly completely been wiped from his memory by the Arsenal brain washers, just in case he tries to play a pass of more than 14 yards or, heaven forbid, make a tackle.
But Gerrard’s theory deserves to be expanded upon. He says that if Arsenal had added Carragher they would have won the league, but what other players could they have added to win other things;
John Terry – They would have snared the prestigious “Hustler Shagging Team of the Year” currently residing in the Stamford Bridge trophy cabinet.
Jonjo Shelvey & Jay Spearing – Buying these two hideously disfigured goblins would have won them The Middle Earth Knockout Cup.
Peter Crouch – Along with van Horsie (the incredible brittle man), Samir Nasri (the token gypsy) and Bacary Sagna (the slightly bearded lady) they could have definitely challenged for the Annual “Circus Freakshow Shield”
Carlos Tevez – They would have been entered into the “World Gurning Championships – Handicapped Class”
Fellaini and David Luiz – wWith these two on board Jack Le Wilshere would have had some models to practise on and then win the “Magic Scissor Hairdresser of the Year”
So well done Steven Gerrard and thanks for spouting more shit than a drain cleaning machine stuck in reverse.
There has been no time to monitor the twats this week because the Nevilles joined Twitter. Sadly this has prompted a horrendous tirade of hideous abuse as bitters, dippers and even Evertonians have tweeted threats and insults to Gary, Phil and even little Michael Owen. These mightily brave keyboard warriors have branded our players, current and former, as Munichs as well as threatening them with death and wishing injury and illness on their families. Nice. However, we know that it can’t have been real fans of those clubs. Only 2.3% of Liverpool fans can read and write and less than half of those will have access to the internet on a device of their own. All bitters will have been enthralled by “The Cunt’s Guide to Being a Massive Fan” that was posted on www.wewillwinatrophyevenifitcosts£10billion.com, or the club’s official website to give it its full title. And the Everton fans will be too busy looting the houses of the dippers once they have gone out on the rob. So instead it is probably teenagers, spotty pubescent types who have taken their parent’s phone and tried to make a name for themselves by abusing footballing legends. Good work geeks.
In next week’s edition of “A Week In Football” I will be dissecting the document posted on the Manchester City website – “How To Be a Cunt”.