After last week it seemed that the world couldn’t get any weirder, but it managed to move one notch up the odd-o-meter again this week. First of all, we had the royal wedding, an occasion that was viewed by an estimated 2 billion people worldwide. Roughly a third of the world were sat watching two people they had never met getting married at a place they had never been to, before the couple headed off to a reception that they weren’t invited to either. But at least the wedding was an educational experience for all viewers, my son for example learnt from the ceremony that Jesus’ surname is Christ and that the Archbishop of Canterbury is actually Father Christmas.
Then on Sunday Arsenal managed to hold on to a lead and actually win a game without their intense mental weakness working against them, or the brittle nature of their leading players causing them horrendous injuries. Of course, the fact that the pressure was off them meant that they could play with a bit more freedom than they can normally manage at the end of the season. The shackles that are applied and increased during March and April were off as they resign themselves to another season finale where they can cross trophy polish off their shopping list.
Then on Sunday/Monday the world’s most wanted man was “brought to justice” by a crack squad of American soldiers. This terrible criminal mind has caused upset the world over and was once possibly the most hated man on earth. Just for clarity, I am not talking about Garry Cook, but Osama Bin Laden. So now that he has gone, surely the world will return to a haven of peace and tranquillity and all will be right again. Gareth Bale will reclaim his place as No 1 in the world, Ancelotti will finally get control of his flight risk eyebrow and Mario Balotelli will finally get some industrial strength anti-histamine tablets to cure his grass allergy. Speaking of Mario, it seems I finished Balotelliwatch a week too soon given his training ground antics, but I am sure it wasn’t his fault. I expect that nasty Vincent Kompany was goading him, probably showing off about how enormous his funny shaped head was, and it’s not as if nice Mario has had any problems with his other team mates. Apart from Jerome Boateng. And Carlos Tevez. And those naughty youth team players. It’s surely not Mario’s fault though.
However, back to matters of a serious nature and the second instalment of the 7 Cantona’s annual awards…
“The Darren Anderton Lifetime Award for Services to Physiotherapists” (via @writtenoff_mufc)
Nominees – Dobbin van Horsie, Thomas Vermaelen, Thomas Rosicky, Michael Johnson, Fabio Aurelio
Sadly, the previous winner from 2009 and 20010, Owen Hargreaves is ineligible for this award as he is no longer being treated by a physio; instead United are employing the healing hands of John Cofie (Seen Green Mile? No? Then you won’t get that joke) to try and cleanse him of his impurities. Fabio Aurelio nearly made a lucky escape in the summer from his years of torment at Analfield. Fabio found himself so immersed in scouse culture that instead of going to training he would nip to the local shop, steal 20 Lambert & Butler and razzle readers’ wives and watch Jezza Kyle all morning. Instead of reporting fit for games he would loaf around the local job club and “banter” with his fellow bin dippers. He finally managed to escape the vicious circle of impropriety in the summer and left the club, only for Agent Woy to track him down and march him back. Fabio can’t win this as he isn’t ever injured, he is just a “scouser”. Work shy. Thomas Rosicky is also sadly ineligible as, despite the fact he is slightly less sturdy than matchsticks, he has recently been uncovered as an old Ukrainian lady that was accidentally purchased by the sleeping bag-adorned lizard man. Arsene was actually looking to recruit a cleaner for the trophy room (job description now defunct) and when Rosicky arrived for the job she was inadvertently sent to the training ground instead. Michael Johnson has made 4 appearances in the last 3 seasons, but this is deceptive as he has actually been injured since 2004. He suffered a rare and horrific brain injury that made him think Manchester City were a “massive club”. Medical experts tell us that this condition, although rare, now affects around 25,000 people in the UK and has increased due to a recent gathering of overpriced turds in the Stockport area. Sadly, due to his actual medical condition, he can’t win this award either. Instead the award goes jointly to Dobbin van Horsie and Thomas Vermaelen. As well all know van Horsie has suffered from a ridiculous catalogue of injuries over the years, from broken fingernails to stress fractures of the earlobe, but he has found his match in Vermaelen. The Belgian injured his Achilles in September and has managed to string this 6-week absence into an 8-month absence. That is impressive even by Arsenal’s standards. One can only imagine the glances of admiration/ jealousy cast by van Horsie as Vermaelen is again ruled out for the upcoming game.
“The Shaun Goater Award for Extreme Facial Abnormalities” (via @centersneak)
Nominees – Suarez (teeth), Kompany (oversized head), Kuyt (Sloth off the Goonies), Tevez (neck, teeth, head, hooves)
The bin dippers snared themselves a very talented footballer at a reasonable price when they signed Luis Suarez, a cultured attacker who had a great scoring record (albeit in the Eredivisie, where my great aunt Gladys once scored 47 goals in a season for Willem II) and could provide a creative spark for his team. However, take heed, as my Mum once said you get what you pay for (as she bought a car for £47) and the scousers should have been alerted by his relatively low fee. Why was he so inexpensive in a market filled with overpriced shithouses? Because he brings danger on two counts. Firstly, he is prone to bite folk with his fang-like toothypegs and he is indiscriminate with his attacks. It might be an opposition player (as it was before, earning him the nickname The Cannibal of Amsterdam) or it might be an innocent passer-by. As it was when he recently savaged the tea lady, putting her into a high dependency unit with 116 bite wounds. But secondly, he attracts danger from passing tribes of ivory hunters. Just last week the Mokolo tribe stopped at the puss-coated Liverpool training complex and embarked on a two day siege, firing poison darts at the coaching staff as they tried to secure their bounty. Kompany on the other hand is a terrific defender who wins everything in the air. No fucking surprise really, given the incredible size of his swede he would probably win an aerial duel with an Airbus A320. His head is so big that it has its own weather system and quite often it might be sunny in Manchester (Stockport) but snowing on the peak of his bonce. Dirk Kuyt would normally get some intense abuse for everything that is wrong with him, but he scored the penalty against Arsenal that a certain Steven Gerrard would have put out for a throw in, so for now he is a moderately ugly man. That is all. So the winner, of course, is Carlos “weeping sore” Tevez. A man so desperately disfigured that I once saw a picture of him mooing while he celebrated a goal and my very core was frozen with terror. I once thought I had seen him at Bristol Zoo only to realise that his doppelganger was actually one of the inmates. It’s not even as if he has any redeeming features. Sometimes you meet a really fat and horrifically ugly person, but they have an infectious smile or a lovely sense of humour, but this little bucket of shit spends his time barbecuing steak inside his house, scowling, snarling, mooing and generally looking like he would rather be sticking hot sharp objects into his eyes than earning £250,000 a week to play football. Bastard.
“The Ryan Babel Award for Social Media Manipulation”
Nominees – Ryan Babel, Wojciech Szczesny, Jack Wilshere, Robbie Savage
Poor old Robbie Savage is now exempt from this award as he ceased to be a footballer about, erm, oh hold on, he never was a footballer. So even though he consistently shows himself up to be a proper weapon he is ineligible. Little Jack le Wilshere has had an astonishing year, emerging in the Arsenal first team and playing for England, before he suddenly took over as the world’s best player, snatching the award from Gareth Bale. He has a Twitter account and this has been his downfall, particularly his love for posting very, very dull and sometimes homoerotic photos. His team mates “posing”, pictures of what he is having for his tea (chocolate spread on toast one night), pictures of his team mates, some young chaps he plays with and some of his team mates. But Jack can’t win this award because although he is a big dull Susan he isn’t offensive enough. Szczesny, or for the purpose of my editor and his spell checker, Wockface has had a few shockers, on and off the pitch. My favourite tweet of his was after Chelsea were despatched from the FA Cup on penalties, with Cashley Hole missing the crucial kick “Is it a plane? Is it an aeroplane? No, it’s just Ashley throwing Chelsea out of the fa cup :)”. Excusing the possible language barrier, does Wockface not know that a plane is an aeroplane? Imagine the confusion on European away matches. Arsene: “Please board the plane lovely boys”. Wockface: “But that’s an aeroplane?”. Arsene: “Sacre bleu, did anyone keep Lehmann’s mobile number?” Prior to this, Wockface had stated that United always get the decisions and then berated people who questioned him, actually tweeting that if people didn’t want to see his opinions they should unfollow him and follow Katie Price. From one great big fanny to another. The winner though can only be Ryan Babel. He tweets like a deranged pelican, an eclectic mixture of nonsense, rubbish and crap. Of course, his highlight was the Photoshop image of Howard Webb in a United shirt for which the FA charged him £9 and made him sit in the naughty corner for half an hour. Had it been a United player doing something similar they would have been sawn in half with a rusty hacksaw and then fed to the seagulls. Babel was signed for Liverpool and for about 27 minutes was a much vaunted prodigy, before he actually took to the pitch and showed the application and ability of Marco Boogers. He has since been offloaded by Liverpool and is now on the inevitable decline that will lead him to co-owning a bar in Tenerife, probably called “Nobheads” before declaring himself as a prophet of the planet Crenk and teaming up with David Icke to launch a new intergalactic trading alliance. Wanker.
Twats Tweets will be launched next week. I am finding it very hard to trawl through the shit spouted by people like Wockface, Dobbin, Sloth from the Goonies and Robbie Savage.