A Week In Football : The Transfer Window Slams Shut

More than £200m was wasted by clubs in the January 2011 transfer window. I know this is true because I read it on the website of the official sponsors of “Deadline Day”. £218,525,000 is the official figure shown on the Sky Sports “Transfer Window Totaliser”, and that is without significant spending from either Manchester club, Arsenal or Spurs. So essentially it was the usual farcical melee with everyone trying to grab the “last turkey in the shop” in a frantic dash. The transfer window is not unsimilar to 2am in a booze-fuelled nightclub. The managers have forgotten to make any significant kind of plans or preparation, and so are forced to stumble round desperately trying to find anyone they can to sign (have a fumble with). All normal decision-making processes are thrown out of the window, and with their “beer goggles” on they suddenly see average players as world-beaters. Reasonable players like Charlie Adam suddenly look like Andres Iniesta through the eyes of deadline-inebriated managers, and with a little imagination and extending of the truth from the sponsors of the “transfer window”, logic goes missing. At one point Sky were claiming that the midfielder, who tragically suffers from elephantiasis of the head, was being chased by Liverpool and United and both clubs had lodged bids of £14m. Not only that, but Sir Alex and Hatstand Kenny were engaged in a frantic car chase up the M6 to try and personally ensconce the man who the mighty Glasgow Rangers didn’t consider good enough. These reported fees and exaggerated carry on were all disproved the day after the window slammed shut. The Tsar of “The Transfer Window – Sponsored by SKY”, Mr Arry Redknapp, told us all what had really happened.

Arry is without doubt the man for whom the window (sponsored by SKY) was invented. For him, the responsibility of handling a transfer budget is just too much. When he was at West Ham he never really had any money to spend and so was forced to “make do” with youngsters such as Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Michael Carrick, Jermaine Defoe and of course the world’s greatest player little Joey Cole. But once he returned to Portsmouth and they had their questionable cash injection he was able to invest in real talent. With some cash burning a hole in his probably stolen trousers he was able to go out and get some real footballers, and before long Portsmouth fans were treated to the likes of John Utaka, Papa Bouba Diop, Djimi Traore and David Nugent. Proof, if it were needed, that quilt face should have been kept well away from the chequebook.

Once he had spent all of Portsmouth’s money, he quickly engineered himself a move to Spurs. He knew that they would have plenty to spend and the thought of that alone drove him to London. The first thing he did was buy half of his old Portsmouth team as a security blanket and then set off in search of more brilliance. Now with more money and a bigger club with which to attract the players, Arry desired all that seemed well in the world. Arry even seemed to spend Daniel Levy’s money in a more responsible manner, until transfer windows approached their dying embers. As the clock frantically ticked and the Sky Sports news team grew ever more agitated, poor old Arry was possessed with the need to purchase. Never more so than in “Winter Transfer Window 2011 in Association with Sky”. Having sold Robbie Keane to another one of his boyhood clubs, poor old Arry suddenly felt the compulsion to get himself another striker. This need must have arisen while watching “Revista De La Liga” judging by the alleged approaches. Giuseppe Rossi, Diego Forlan, Fernando Llorente, Sergio Aguero were all allegedly targeted and all bids were turned down, but Arry wasn’t done yet. Kept awake by the gnawing desire to buy, Arry finally had his light bulb moment, a player that he knew had handed in a transfer request. Although he had wanted a striker, he now didn’t care – he just had to spend. Even a few million, just to open the release valve on his own transfer pressure cooker. Charlie bloody Adam. Again, Arry wanted a striker, but what the fuck? As long as he could buy someone, anyone would do. Luckily for all Spurs fans the deal was a moment too late and the generous headed midfielder was condemned to five more months in Blackpool.

It wasn’t just Arry that was driven stir crazy by the pressure of this manufactured spending spree though. A man who has before been beaten by the tension and expectations of football management also lost his mind yesterday. Poor old Hatstand Dalglish. As the decision was made to sell Mrs Torres to John Terry yesterday, we all knew what effect it might have on Hatstand. The unhinged Scotsman probably sought some transfer advice from his standard lamp before scouring the country for a similarly talented striker to replace their pre-op No9. I can only imagine he started a geographic search in the northeast before being distracted by the constant chattering coming from his office chair. A quick debate with the rest of his furniture left him behind schedule, so he weighed up his options – would it be Andy Carroll or Shola Ameobi? Well poor old Shola hasn’t scored a goal since netting a double for his school team, so Hatstand settled on Andy Carroll. A recent England international and showing signs of promise, Carroll would seem a reasonable enough choice for around £10million or so, but just in case that all seemed too sensible, Kenny thought he better give it the “Hatstand” treatment – hey presto, one pony-tailed woman beater for £35m. Bargain. Andy does come with a bit of a reputation as a violent drinker though. He also has the criminal record to back it up, having allegedly smashed a glass in someone’s face during a nightclub tussle. All they have to do now is stop the young scamp getting on the sauce and smashing poor scousers faces in. Second thoughts – let’s get him a discount card for Bargain Booze.

And what of Fernando Torres – golden boy of the Kop. Supposedly a one-time target of United, he delighted all scousers by wearing a captain’s armband during his time at Atletico that had “You’ll Never Walk Alone” scrawled on the inside. Well it delighted the ones with the capacity to read, so probably at least a dozen of them were pleased. El Nino became a hero of the Kop by scoring more than 20 league goals in his first season, thereby becoming the first Liverpool player to do so since Robbie Fowler in 95-96. Unfortunately for the scousers, he was surrounded by a pile of rotting shit masquerading as footballers, so they ended the season trophyless. After two more seasons of the same crap, the Liverpool manager Waiter Benitez was sacked and they turned to special agent Woy Hodgson. Hodgson had been deployed by Sir Alex to ensure that Liverpool finished outside the top four and he put in a sterling shift before the owners found him out and duly sacked. Special agent Hodgson had announced that Torres was not for sale at the start of the season and Torres herself backed that up by stating, “My commitment and loyalty to the club and to the fans is the same as it was on my first day when I signed”. As is often the case in these situations it was only a matter of time before he left. Poor old Roman Abramovich, village idiot and part-time billionaire, had always wanted a super striker. The last time he chose one himself, he plumped for Andriy Shevchenko from AC Milan, and £30million later he had his man. The Ukrainian had been prolific during his career, scoring goals by the bucket load at Dynamo Kyiv and AC Milan, but sadly coming to Chelsea was the end of his goal scoring. His initiation to the team was cruel; John Terry claims that all new signings are made to stand on a chair and sing to the squad, but we all know they are made to have man cuddles with Ashley Cole. The humiliation was too much and despite washing up to seven times a day he still felt dirty. Andriy mustered four goals in his first season, and half way through the next season was sent back to Milan, feeling used and unclean. The experience hasn’t upset the village idiot though, and apparently it was he alone that wanted to purchase Torres. It must have been one hell of a surprise to the Chelsea doctor and physio when halfway through the medical Torres accidentally revealed his badly scarred lady garden.

Luckily for Sky, these two transfers made “Deadline Day in Association with SKY” appear a tiny bit dramatic. Tales of Torres bidding a tearful goodbye to her boyfriend Carragher and then swooping off in a helicopter were created by the Sky team in an attempt to dramatise the day. We had the supposed car chase up the M6 to get the unfeasibly large headed Adam signed up, and then the excitement of who would replace Carroll at Newcastle. Sadly there is another village idiot in charge of Newcastle, so again logic was defied. You would think that Mike Ashley had made enough money out of the scousers from sales of Fila and shell suits alone, but the greedy fat man wasn’t happy until he had extorted £35m for Carroll. So the only remaining question to be answered was where would he spend his money. Which striker could he lure to the north-east of England? The obese clown had other ideas though and decided that the best way to try and replace the goals scored by his woman-beating striker would be to go for……..N’Zogbia, a man who despised his previous spell at Newcastle so much that he was happy to sign for Wigan just to get away. A sulking left midfielder who had only troubled the goal net 21 times in his entire career. But then, Ashley is the man who bought the club for millions of pounds and then sat in the crowd necking pints of beer wearing an ill-fitting replica shirt. The man who re-enlisted King Kev – not to be confused with King Kenny – but equally as mentally challenged. The man who sacked his title-winning manager and replaced him with perpetually average Alan Pardew. The man who actually gave employment to repugnant midget Dennis Wise.

So, £35million for a striker that is as likely to go to prison as he is to score a goal. £50million for a striker that is still to finish gender reassignment. £24million for a striker who once missed a goal so open that Arry deemed his wife could have scored it, and £22.8 million for a striker that is quite possibly going to be suspended for wearing illegal teeth.

Who said there was no value in the market?