A Week In Football : Twats of the Week

I would like to start by saying a very big thank you to Ashley Cole, Joe Cole, Manchester City, Arsene Wenger, Jack Wilshere, Wockface Chestnut (Arsenal Goalie), Alan Brazil (talkSPORT) and Dave Whelan. Collectively your stupidity, naivety and uselessness has made it very easy to write this week’s blog.

We have to start with Cashley Hole, quite possibly the stupidest man alive. If you ignore all of the ridiculous things he has done over the last few years then you would be astounded by his most recent act of “Ashleyness”. But we can’t ignore them because reviewing them is too much fun. Start with “Wagegate”, poor old Ashley was innocently driving his beaten up old Nissan home after another day of hard graft, working 12-hour shifts at the factory when he found out his wages weren’t going up by much. He realised he wouldn’t have enough money to feed his children and pay the bills, and in absolute desperation he considered selling one of his kidneys to the local Iranian doctor. Oh no, my mistake. He was cruising home in his luxurious car after kicking a ball for a few hours when his agent informed him that his wages were ONLY going up to £55,000 per week. Poor little mite nearly crashed his car in disgust, imagine that? Only earning £200,000 per month. Quite rightly the sinned-against bottom botherer instantly demanded a transfer from the club that had given him his big break in top level football. The tight fisted bastards. I will skirt over the national lottery fiasco as I am not a talented enough writer to find the correct words to describe the levels of scorn that the event deserved. I will instead use my level of vocabulary and say that the photo-shoot made him look like a twathouse of the highest order.

However, he somehow managed to get Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud to marry him, probably by using his wage increase from Chelsea to purchase industrial strength Rohypnol from which she has finally developed immunity. Not content with being married to one of the most desired women in the UK, Cashley went to his local Phones 4 U and got himself one of those fancy camera phones. Not for Ashley the banter of spending time with his team mates, he preferred to take pictures of his tail and send it to pikey hairdressing types, swapping a night of smokescreening cuddles for a bottle of rose wine. Eventually the journalists discovered the story and poor old Cashley was exposed, literally, thus ending his marriage to Cheryl. You should be picking up a theme by now; this lad isn’t going to trouble any IQ testers.

Most recently though, Cashley has outdone even his previous “moments” by taking an air rifle into training and shooting an innocent youth. Admittedly, this does sound like the kind of thing that he would do, being a remedial, but when you look at it in a bit more detail it is astounding. Cashley leaves home for training, with a firearm in his car (not the Nissan) for what possible reason? A footballers life is easy enough as it is; kick a ball around, buy some gold, eat caviar, PlayStation, champagne, bedtime. Did Cashley think that training sounded a bit like hard work, better take something in to pass the time? Had he also got some paper targets for the boys to aim at? Or were they going to use empty Lucozade bottles?. Maybe they have a problem with vermin at their training ground? Not John Terry, actual vermin. Maybe Cashley bought his gun in to protect Fernando Torres from a scouse stalker that has recently started hanging around outside training. Poor Fernando shrieks “Carra” and flees, and the Chelsea boys are left to pick up the pieces. Either way, it would seem that taking an air rifle into training is as inappropriate as taking a giraffe to a housewarming party in a bungalow. Carlo cleared it all up by saying that he was cross. I think that was what he was saying, but it was difficult not to keep watching his dodgy eyebrow that is still trying to sneak off the top of his head. Cashley Cole – twat No 1 of the week.

Next accolades go to the entire Arsenal team. I will begin with the club spokesman who said that WHEN they won the trophy Fabregas would lift it as he is club captain. Even though he wasn’t playing in the game because he was having his Barca shirt fitted and choosing his number. In the process of making this statement the spokeswanker subliminally told the Birmingham team that Arsenal had completely discounted the possibility that the Blues could win. Big Eck’s team talk was written and thus the gritty blues went on to win the cup with the help of Wockface Chestnut and that defender whose name I can’t even be bothered to Google. The great thing about Arsenal losing is that it causes upset to Wockface and the increasingly annoying Wilshere. Wockface was the man who demonstrated his Cashley-like stupidity by tweeting “is it a plane? Is it an aeroplane?” when any normal person would have realised that the first question made the second question redundant. No one would tweet “Is it a car? Is it a motorcar?” apart from Robbie Savage maybe. Of course Wockface has also questioned the integrity of referees on Twitter, but was exempt from punishment as he represents a club from London. Jack is a very promising player and was recently crowned World Player of the Millennium by the tabloid journalists, but is becoming a bit of a twathouse as well. Ignoring his semi-naked picture while asleep, which is something Wenger demands as part of his image rights, he has also questioned referees on Twitter. But after the cup final defeat he made a comment about Barry Ferguson “thanking” the Arsenal defender following the goal. Seems a bit cowardice really, why not take Barry to task after the goal or even after the game? It’s not as if he would be hard to find, he was probably mixing some mouthwash and aftershave to make a volatile cocktail of high proof alcohol in the girls toilets. Wockface, Jack and Arsene – joint twats of the week.

I think I have mentioned previously that Steven Gerrard proclaimed Joe Cole to be a better player than Lionel Messi. While although that sounds a bit misplaced now given that Joe has spent the entire season proving that he is a one-trick pony with a trick missing, Joe did get to start their recent Sunday league pub team European reject match against Prague Plumbers’ second eleven. Given the chance (again) to launch his Liverpool career, Joe did what comes naturally to him, he fucked it up. I didn’t see all of the game as there was some paint drying that I wanted to watch instead, but I did switch on as Joe burst through on goal. Luckily the half-witted pony contrived to put the ball wide when even Dirk “Sloth” Kuyt would surely have scored. Another Cole – twat of the week.

Next up is Alan Brazil. For those of you fortunate enough not to listen to talkSPORT, Alan is an ex-footballer who had to retire due to being a booze-riddled modern day Dobbin Van Horsie. He drank more than he played and has somehow ended up on a breakfast show talking about sport, a subject he can barely decipher through his drunken haze but he has managed to lead an almighty witch hunt against young Wayne Rooney. As we saw against Wigan, Wayne was assaulted by James McCartney, the Wigan player viscously banging his head into Wayne’s elbow, yet Wayne got the blame. Thousands of callers rang into the radio show demanding outrageous punishments from a 17-game ban to castration to frontal lobotomy, and old Alan encouraged them and incited them to ring and air their nonsense. Sadly all he achieved by doing this was to expose his lack of sobriety, and my favourite comment was when he asked one caller why Wayne had done it and he suggested to said caller “do you think there was any afters previously?” I was just waiting for him to ask “is it a plane? Is it an aeroplane?” You can add Dave Whelan into this category as well. A man that has sold shitty trainers for a living bought a club that everyone is indifferent to and then named the stadium after himself. DW said that the FA was scared of United and Rooney and that is why there was no frontal lobotomy booked. FA scared of United? Rio ban? Cantona ban? Reasonable actions? DW and Balloon head Brazil – twats of the week.

Finally a mention for Manchester City – the last time they won a trophy (playoff final excepted) I was merely in utero. They have now spent 17 trillion pounds and yet they still can’t fill their stadium (even when it is free to get in) and they have a team of mercenaries and overpriced journeymen. But they are still the pride of Stockport.