Alexander Chapman Ferguson told us in January 2010 that there was “no value” in the transfer market and ever since this statement our rivals have used this phrase and twisted it around to create their own angle. They crowed that Manchester United hadn’t got any money, that they were being forced to gamble on has beens and never will be’s and that this was the start of the terminal decline that would ultimately lead to United contesting only for the 4th Champions league spot. Twelve months later, after Citeh had tried their best to prove Sir Alex right, we saw the prophecy fulfilled. The transfer window, sponsored by SKY, was lilting along in its usual boring way with odd looking presenters getting proud and erect at astounding loan moves between Scunthorpe and Tamworth when suddenly “no Value” crashed right through the 3D televisions of Chelsea, Stockport and Merseyshite. More than £100 million pounds was spent on three strikers, three players that have surely carved their way terrifyingly through Premier league defences raping and pillaging like Norse men of old?? Let’s have a look;
Edin Dzeko – The striker was named Bosnian player of the year in 2009 and 2010, a huge accolade to receive indeed and he beat a goat herder and shepherd to the title. Dzeko signed for Citeh for £27.5 million pounds and became their second most expensive player after Robinho. What an impact he made. As we approach the end of March Dzeko is yet to score a league goal, but he has scored 2 in the FA Cup and 2 in the Europa second hand car shield. So far the lanky dimwit has scored 4 goals at a cost of almost £7m each. Value – No.
Andy Carroll – the part time woman beater and full time violent offender joined the bin dippers for a mind jolting fee of £35 million pounds, making him the most expensive British footballer of all time and the 8th most expensive football player ever. Gosh. Surely he has been pummelling defences as if they were a skirted reveller on a Saturday night? Well no as it happens poor old Andy was injured when he signed for the dippers and so far his greatest performance has been attending a Boyzone concert with poor old Kenny Dogleash, King Kenny probably mistook Carroll for a standard lamp given his previous dalliances with furniture. In his 4 games so far the improbable England international has yet to trouble the scorers but at least he has given that nice Carragher chap a bit of eye candy to look at since his old love has departed to Chelsea. Value – bugger off.
Fernando Torres – the long-time love of that kind spirited Carragher joined Chelsea in an act of dramatic martyrdom, leaving the club against his will so that they would have the funds to pay the Cannibal of Amsterdam and the blood bottler (Read the BFG). Fernando has been a bit iffy for the last 18 months, actually in all fairness he has been playing like a one legged pensioner who was accidentally wearing his reading glasses. But not to worry he was heading to Chelsea for £50m and they have a great track record of buying quality strikers and making them into Heskeys. Actually it is likely that the yacht mad village idiot personally hand picks the strikers while completely disregarding logic. Chelsea has managed to ruin Crespo, Mutu, Kezman and Shevchenko over the past few seasons with nearly £100 million pounds pissed up the wall in the process. Torres has started his Chelsea career like a squirrel too, starting his tenure with a game against his old employers Liverpool. Sadly for the feminine chap it didn’t go well and has set the tone for the following games. As we reach the end of March Torres has also yet to trouble the scorers but you can be sure he has had more success in wooing Cashley Hole and probably tiny tears who would surely park himself in any seemingly unoccupied space. Value – Are you fucking joking? He cost £50 million and hasn’t scored a goal. He has been outscored by a mentally unstable Fellaini lookalike. £50m would probably build a new hospital or help scientists research a cure for a terminal illness or keep Rooney in “friends” for a good 10 years, but it hasn’t purchased a single goal for Chelsea.
In summary £112.5m has generated 4 goals for these scabby clubs and Sir Alex can rightly feel vilified by their collective performances (all goal totals are correct at the time of writing and probably unlikely to change in the near future due to the fact that all these players are crap.) Whisper this though, United signed an unheard of Mexican last summer. His signing was ridiculed at the time by some of our rivals. This young chap cost £7m and has scored 16 goals for United this season. Value – like you couldn’t even imagine.
The England team have been front page news for the last few days as they gather up their collective national pride and look forward to a clash against Wales. That lovely man John Terry has been re-instated as England captain at the expense of Rio Ferdinand and one has to agree it is the right decision. The FA are desperately trying to find a figurehead to lead the national team out of the wilderness and Terry is obviously the right man. What a role model this stout chap is, an adulterer with the moral fibre of Paul Pot. A man who is so vile and hateful that were the nation to harness their collective negative energy toward him it would probably provide enough power to melt the remaining polar ice caps.
So he fits the bill well, the FA being quite possibly the most ridiculous collection of people that have ever been grouped together since the editorial team at the Sun Newspaper when Piers Morgan was in charge. Their continual over punishing of Manchester United has led to some of my 7 Cantonas colleagues suggesting that they are actually guilty of match fixing. I prefer to take the view that they are so stupid and drunk on port that they don’t actually know what they are doing and their continual lenience towards London based teams is not a calculated stance but a Nuero disability that they probably need medical help for. To illustrate my point I have picked a few “discrepancies that might get committed and what the punishment would be for a United player or John Terry, the archangel of Chelsea;
- Following a fracas in the middle of the pitch a player falls to the ground clutching his face with a bloody nose.
- United Player – 6 year ban, removal of the offending hand by way of amputation.
- JT – FA release statement proclaiming Terry as an excellent peacemaker and praise his leadership
- After the game a player harasses the referee and in trying to escape the referee falls and eventually passes away from his head Injury
- United player – burnt at the stake in Trafalgar square while the London based Media chant and dance round Nelsons Column. The event is sold to the BBC who despite failing to get an interview with Sir Alex still sends Hansen and Lawrenson to dissect the performance.
- JT – FA praise his passion and desire and label the referee “a bit clumsy”
- A player speaks out after a defeat, blaming the “fixture pile-up”
- United player – is hunted and captured by the SAS and then water boarded until he reveals who else within the squad feels the same way. They are then all transported to Afghanistan and used as human shields on the front line.
- JT – FA apologise for being so short-sighted and award Chelsea the league title and a 4 week break to recuperate and avoid injury.
- A player makes an obscene gesture to the opposition fans, a riot breaks out and sadly 14 Liverpool fans are injuredin the troubles
- United player – is injected with dirty plutonium directly into their eye live on ITV4 +1. The player’s family and friends are then made to swim around the Mozambique coast with bloody fish tied to their ankles, until they are inevitably ripped apart by sharks.
- JT is given the Victoria Cross, a Bugatti Veyron and the freedom of London by the lord mayor to show their gratitude for his help in diffusing the situation.
So there is no value in the transfer market (unless you managed to spot a Mexican genius while all your rivals were busy getting a back, crack and sack in the summer).
The FA sometimes favour the southern based clubs (well they generally favour anyone apart from United, so maybe the FA should be renamed the FAABU.