A Week In Football – What, F*cking What?

A Week In Football – What, F*cking What?

On Saturday afternoon the world was outraged and disgusted. Millions of people all around the globe were treated to one of the most incredible acts of puerile filth. The fallout from this act of sheer and unadultered evil has reverberated around the footballing community and the perpetrator is once again the subject of a worldwide witch hunt. Ex-players, journalists, radio and TV presenters and quite possibly the Taliban are on a manhunt seemingly driven by the fuel of hate. The act undertaken? Swearing. The villain? Wayne Rooney actually uttered a “cuss word” into a TV camera and so quite rightly he must now be hunted down by the world authorities and probably given a public hanging, quite possibly outside the city of Stockport Wastelands stadium. The temerity of the young man to dare speak the words of the devil has shocked and stunned a nation of football lovers. To get a temperature check of the feelings of the country, I tuned in to talkSPORT radio and 5 live on Saturday evening and this is the kind of thing I heard:

Manchester City fan Bert Bitter: “I watched the game with my aged aunt and upon hearing the swear words she collapsed and later passed away with severe shock. I think the hateful out of control thug should be set on fire and floated down the Mersey Canal. I will never again watch football until he has been put to justice.”

Chelsea fan Isaac Hunt: “I saw the incident and I feel like this has cost Chelsea the title. If he hadn’t sworn then West Ham would have equalised and probably gone on to win the game. I think United should be docked the 3 points for Saturday’s game and then the FA should watch all their previous matches and if their lip reading experts see him swear even once in any of them they should overturn the results. This is the fairest way to deal with the hooligan.”

Arsenal fan Johnny Kumlatelee: “I was told about the incident by a friend of mine, I don’t really follow football unless Arsenal are at home because my company has a corporate box. I used to like Spurs, but they put their prices up. Anyway, I have written to my MP and the mayor of London and asked them to get him deported. They shouldn’t allow his sort south of the midlands; they are ruining the London culture. Did Arsenal win by the way? I haven’t seen the results I was at a polo match.”

The overriding theme of both of the radio shows was that the supporters of Citeh, Rent boys and Gooners were all incensed by the situation and genuinely were calling for bans ranging from 3 to 10 games, points being deducted, United being charged for failing to control their players and Ferguson being banned from the touchline until he runs out of chewing gum. Before we lose sight of all sense let’s review what actually happened.

Wayne Rooney, who has had a mixed season at best, was getting the kind of abuse that those lovely West Ham fans are best known for. His team had been losing 2-0 and there was a feeling that this could be a huge turning point in the season. In converting the penalty young Wayne had completed his hat trick and had single handedly brought United back from the brink of defeat. In a season where he has completely lost the use of both feet for a while, asked for a transfer, allegedly frequented the company of whores and been chastised by the media for accidentally elbowing some clown from Wigan, this was one of only a few great moments. With adrenalin coursing through his veins he went to the fans to celebrate his possibly title-defining treble and then suddenly had a TV camera thrust into his face, presumably to insight a headline writing reaction from the fiery striker. Now try and imagine yourself in that exact same situation, torrents of abuse flowing down from the stands and you have just stuck the ball in the net for the third time to put your team in front. What would your reaction be? A polite wave to the away fans and maybe a look of apology to the Hammers supporters? No, I don’t think so.

The FA, with all their wit and wisdom, have decided to charge Wayne for his swearword. They have either buckled under the huge media pressure or they were so battered on tawny port that they forgot what they were discussing and thought the show of hands was to see who wanted a brisk rub down with a horse blanket. Strangely they don’t get involved when Cashley Hole takes firearms into training or when Mario Balotelli decides to “chuck some arrows” at the youth team. Of course the main difference is the club and the player, had John Terry done exactly the same thing as Rooney they would have said he was displaying “fantastic passion” or “wearing his heart on his sleeve”.

Before we head into Balotelliwatch, I thought I should mention that fine and upstanding journalist Oliver Holt. Mr Holt wrote a piece for the Mirror about Nani and basically told us why he didn’t really like the player. He described him as a puerile petulant play actor. He also says he plays with a scowl and thinks the world is against him.  The article was unkind and unprompted by anything that Nani has done, and in my opinion it was a pathetic attempt at boosting readership, Twitter followers or Facebook friends. So well done Mr Holt, your article was crap and written with the skill of a primary school student. If you spent more time working on your journalistic ability and less time picking on players, then maybe you could get a job with a paper that has more credibility than the Mirror. That is all.

BALOTELLIWATCH – Mario started the week off in a quiet manner and it took him until Friday to do anything controversial. My sources say he stayed at home for the first part of the week sharpening his darts and sticking pins into his Dzeko voodoo doll. However, by Friday it was normal service resumed as the papers reported an overzealous challenge on Tevez. Who can blame him? If you had to train every day with that shitbucket it would surely be at least a twice hourly event to go straight through the half-man/half-horse with studs (and kitchen implements) showing. Also this week, Mario has apparently been told by Berlusconi that he will never sign him for AC because of his bad behaviour. Hello Pot, I am kettle, you’re black. Incredibly the corrupt Italian, who has been allegedly entertaining underage girls in exchange for money, has told Jockey Balotelli he is just too naughty to sign for him. What, fucking what?

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