The Week Ahead of Time : 24 September 2011

Well then, the first match this week to spark my attentions is conveniently the first match of the weekend, at The Wastelands aka The UNITED Stadium aka The Council House aka Home of the Bitter Cunts! This midday match sees the partial Dippers visit to play against the egotistical money-grabbing mercenaries; the Toffees being basically shit should see Citeh stroll to success as they have Kunt Aguero and short-john Silva. They also now have Cunty Hair, who seems to have become a complete prick since signing for them, imagine my shock and surprise, even I didn’t see that coming! Sadly/hilariously though they still have that mentally retarded, jealous, lunatic, lurking around the ground never knowing what he will do next. Just 4 minutes into the 1st half and the place goes wild (all four fans are going mad!) as something runs onto the pitch, it’s the bottom half of a naked black man wearing flippers and the top half of a ferocious donkey. Is this Carlitos’ long lost brother? They seem to have similar dysfunctional looks. As everyone is shocked by this beastly creature it pounces attacking Owen “Cunty Hair” Hardships, it mauls him to the ground, and bites his left knee. In one swift moment it rips the ungrateful cunts knee cap straight off. Covered in flimsy tendon and mangled ligaments it spits the knee to the ground then boots it at Mankini, surprisingly flippers are quite accurate. Not finished with its attack it starts to wildly hoof on the right knee cap of the almost leper like twat until its nothing but a mushy pulp of nothingness. The strange and violent beast then charges out of the stadium, clothes lining Mankini on its way out. Immediately outside can be seen Mario Bellendotelli is there laughing while throwing the top half of a nativity donkey in the bin. Following these fantastic occurrences I see nothing but a draw.

Over at the public library that is the Emirates there is a predicament for all United fans, well definitely me. There’s my joy of watching Whinger age at a rate of 10 years every week due to his nursery group of orphans and fuck-wits falling to bits, it seems time is running out for the pied piper of football. Then on the other hand everybody hates those sister fucking inbred cunts from Bolton and they are my tips to go down this season just for being absolute scummy bastards; it worked for The ‘Ammers. I am going for match abandoned in this one due to a Chinook flying overhead transporting the skeleton of a blue whale, to the Natural History Museum, when in a freak turn of events the supports malfunction causing the skeleton to come plummeting down to earth, landing on the pitch upside down and incredibly impaling every single player with its ribcage.

Next up it’s a trip to Stamford Bridge where the rent boys welcome the mighty Swans, oo err rent boys and swans? It’s like Elton John’s wedding! Let’s be honest anything but a Chelsea win would be amazing at home. All I need from this match is to see Senorita Torres to replicate his pathetic miss he displayed at Old Trafford last week, I’d left that pathetic fucked up shemale alone recently out of the shame he was covering himself in but that miss THAT FUCKING MISS was absolutely wanktastic and couldn’t have happened to a more weasel faced cunt!

Is it worth me talking about much that will happen at Anfailed? They’re hosting Wolves. When I heard Wolves are set to face off with Liverpool I just thought yes! Rip their fucking faces off! Chew out their insides and then shit on the remains, sadly it turns out its just Wolverhampton Wanderers so unless Prick finally snaps and goes all Michael Douglas from Falling Down, it will be a drab affair unless Stevie hiV makes his Premier League return and takes a ball to his rancid crotch severing his make shift cock aka Jimbob Shelvey’s toe. 2-1 Wolves win.

Finally, MANCHESTER UNITED make the trip to The Britannia Stadium, where I won’t tell you what will happen other than there will no doubt be an army of cunting Stoke fans spewing vitriol and hate at the United fans and players, this will go entirely unnoticed and unreported by 100% of so called unbiased journalists.