The Week In Football : Tulips And Windmills

The Week In Football : Tulips And Windmills

A week is a long time in politics, yet it can sometimes feel a whole lot longer in the crazy world of football. Before all the drama of the weekend – which we’ll get to, calm down – we need to cast our minds back to midweek, where the Oranje turned up at Anfield South demanding a game against Stuart Pearce’s discombobulated England side. Can you remember it? After all the excitement that’s been thrown at us since, you might be finding it difficult to fully recall what happened last Wednesday, so allow me to refresh your memory.

At 2-0 down England were the worst team in the world – sack Pearce sell Rooney, national disgrace, not fit to wear the shirt etc. 2-2, thanks to Cahill and our very own Ashley Young, and suddenly England were going to win Euro 2012. Sticking my ear to the TV, I could almost hear the fatties in the press box frantically deleting the rubbish they had already typed to replace it all with patronising nonsense about the resilience and mental fortitude of these young English lions under Pearce’s proud reign. “England could win it” Wembley gasped – at least they did until the Netherlands promptly went up the other end and grabbed a winner thanks to a deflected Robben shot. If a week is a long time than a decade feels like an eternity ago, meaning I forget who it was who buggered up the chances of Arjen the Amazing putting on a United shirt. When unsure of the facts, I switch to my default position – blame Peter Kenyon.

On the subject of players from the land of the tulips and windmills, how about Robin van Persie eh? The mercurial man kicked off the weekend in style, scoring twice at Anfield to condemn King Kenneth to yet another embarrassing result at home. Robin’s second goal was magnificent, for many reasons. Yes, the pass from Alex Song, yes, the finish, but mainly because he darted past the right back before hammering the ball home, allowing me to legitimately use the line “Watch the Dutchie on the left hand side” at this juncture. Alas, Liverpool did not heed the warning, and a defeat leaves them only four points ahead of West Brom, managed by….no! Really? Roy Hodgson? Oh my! Surely they can’t…

What the Baggies can do however is beat Chelsea – their magnificent 1-0 victory at The Hawthorns signalling the end of poor old AVB as Roman promptly handed him his P45. I feel sorry for the ‘Not So Special One’, don’t you? The lad never really got a chance, but that’s what happens when you walk into a dressing room so full of temperamental egomaniacs that it’s beginning to resemble backstage at an Elton John gig. On that note, I’d like to point out that any comparisons between Elton and Ashley Cole will not be made by me, thank you very much. So AVB is gone, but the thing that’s distressing me over this one is the fate of team doctor Eva Carneiro, the brunette with the smouldering good looks who has bewitched and beguiled all who’ve seen her perched on the bench this season. “Will she stay or will she go now?” is the question racing through my mind, and to be honest, I fear the worst. C’mon Roman, do the decent thing and spare Eva – although admittedly her departure now might save her from having to tend the inevitable “groin injury” that is surely due to afflict Captain Leader Legend JT any day soon.

600 words and nothing about United, so let’s change that. What an awful first half that was from the shirts on Sunday, eh? It was really, really bad, yet we went into the break 1-0 up and you knew damn well that we weren’t going to lose from there on in. I bet you City knew it as well, by the way. The victories away at Norwich and Spurs were very enjoyable, of course, but they came to my table alongside two plates of cold humble pie. De Gea “shit”? Ashley Young “not good enough to have an impact on the big games”? Ouch! There’s a reason why I’m not paid for my predictions, as De Gea was magnificent down in Norfolk, absolutely blooming magnificent. Don’t get me wrong – I still hate his shit beard and he needs to put on a stone or two – but more displays like that and we can sit back and wait for the inevitable bid from Barcelona. Until then, he’s ours, and he’s proving me wrong. Now, can anyone else see City winning every game from here on in? Because I can…

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